Punxsutawney Phil Predicts At Least Six More Weeks of Climate Disaster
Punxsutawney, PA — At this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony, the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, took one look at his surroundings, and promptly issued a bleak prediction: at least six more weeks of climate disaster. The announcement came as a surprise to the gathered crowd of Phil enthusiasts, many of whom were expecting the traditional meteorological forecast of either an early spring or prolonged winter. Instead, the furry forecaster donned a tiny hard hat and pointed to a chart that included hurricanes, wildfires, and increasing parts per million of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.
“It’s not looking good, folks,” Phil reportedly chittered in groundhogese, which was then translated by an interpreter. “I saw my shadow—and also rising sea levels, collapsing polar ice caps, and wildfires goin wild. I don’t make the rules; I just live under the dirt.”
Local residents were divided over Phil’s unconventional message. “He’s always been right about the seasons, so if he’s predicting climate catastrophe, I guess I’d better buy some sandbags and SPF 500,” said Cheryl Winters, a longtime attendee of the ceremony. Others dismissed Phil’s prediction as fearmongering. “It’s all fake news,” said Carl Swinton, waving a ‘Groundhogs for Liberty’ flag. “That rodent’s been compromised by Big Meteorology.”
The Inner Circle, the group of top-hatted men responsible for interpreting Phil’s predictions, was quick to assure the public that this year’s grim forecast was “more of a general heads-up than a specific timeline.” Inner Circle President Jeff Fleming clarified, “Phil isn’t saying it’s all doom and gloom, but maybe you should start composting and investing in solar panels. Or at least move to higher ground.”
Climate experts have responded to Phil’s dire warning with cautious optimism. “It’s not every day a groundhog issues a climate forecast,” said Dr. Elena Mora of the National Climate Institute. “But honestly, it’s a step up from what most politicians are doing.”
Meanwhile, Phil has reportedly returned to his burrow, which he’s retrofitting into a doomsday bunker complete with a stockpile of acorns and a backup generator. Sources close to the groundhog say he’s considering retiring from weather forecasting to focus on his new book, The Burrower’s Guide to Surviving a Melting Planet.
As the crowd dispersed, one attendee summed up the mood. “It’s weird,” said Jake Robinson, clutching a novelty Phil plushie. “But if a groundhog can predict six weeks of climate disaster, maybe we should start listening to the scientists who’ve been saying the same thing for 30 years.”
You may also like:
