FINALLY: Trump Cabinet Swears Fealty In Blood
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a ceremony that can only be described as the pinnacle of patriotism, President Donald J. Trump’s Cabinet gathered at Mar-a-Lago last night to pledge their unwavering loyalty—sealed in blood. The event, held under the glorious Florida moonlight, featured the finest in ceremonial traditions. Attendees donned bespoke hooded robes, each embroidered with the Trump family crest, and carried golden scepters modeled after the President's iconic golf clubs.
"Tonight, we reaffirm our commitment to making America great again," declared President Trump, seated upon his majestic, diamond-encrusted golf cart, aptly named "The Freedom Chariot." "This is the kind of loyalty our Founding Fathers envisioned."
Notable figures in attendance included Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, who, with her characteristic zeal, brought a custom-made dagger inscribed with "1776 Forever." Greene, recently appointed to chair a subcommittee within the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), has been instrumental in driving the administration's efficiency initiatives, and is said to be really fun to be around.
Elon Musk, the visionary leader of DOGE, was also present. Musk, who has been pivotal in uncovering inefficiencies within the government, recently hinted at significant findings that promise to revolutionize federal operations. Witnesses claimed that Musk attempted to sacrifice one of his children at the cereomy.
Each Cabinet member took a solemn vow, ceremoniously slicing the palms of their hands and used the blood to sign a parchment that President Trump announced would be displayed in the Smithsonian, right next to the Emancipation Proclamation. "Frankly, this might be even more significant," the President noted.
Critics have labeled the event as "unconventional," but supporters argue it's a bold step toward unity and unwavering dedication. "This is the kind of commitment that sets our administration apart," commented Vice President JD Vance, who has been at the forefront of negotiating critical deals, including the recent TikTok deliberations.
The ceremony concluded with a spectacular fireworks display, a heartfelt rendition of "Ave MAGA," and chants of "Blood for the Boss!" echoing through the night.
In other news, the Department of Education, under the leadership of Secretary Linda McMahon, is reportedly considering a proposal to redefine American history curricula, emphasizing the transformative impact of the current administration.
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