White House Fence to Be Upgraded to Parapet Wall and Moat
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
That’s right — under the bold leadership of Donald J. Trump, the White House will finally become the impenetrable fortress it was always meant to be. The new security measures, announced today by the administration, will feature a 30-foot-high stone parapet wall, a drawbridge (American-made steel), and a moat stocked with a combination of Florida alligators, South American piranhas, and — according to some reports — a few surplus sharks from SeaWorld.
Of course, the liberal media is already going totally nuts over the plan. CNN's headline screamed, "Trump Builds Medieval Death Trap!" MSNBC warned that “alligators might pose a threat to public safety.” Oh, please! Since when did protecting the President become controversial?
Let’s be real: the White House has been a sitting duck for far too long. The January 6th tourists—I mean protestors—walked right in! Under Trump’s leadership, those days are over. With a parapet wall and moat in place, security will be so tight that even a trebuchet-launched Antifa member wouldn’t stand a chance.
And let’s talk about the jobs this will create! Over 2,000 skilled stone masons will be hired to construct the parapet, using 100% American-made stone (mined from the newly reopened quarries in West Virginia). The moat will require specialized handlers to maintain the alligators, creating dozens of new jobs in the highly underappreciated field of aquatic predator care.
Trump himself addressed the nation from the soon-to-be-fortified South Lawn: "Other countries have moats. Great countries! France has moats. England has moats. Very classy. But you know what they don’t have? Alligators. We’re going to have the best moat — a tremendous moat. People are saying it’ll be the best moat ever. And, folks, I believe them."
As for me? I say it’s about time we treated the White House like the crown jewel of Western civilization that it is. So sharpen those arrows, prime the drawbridge, and feed the alligators — America is finally secure again.
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