U.S. To Offer Citizenship Plus & Citizenship Ultra
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.
“These new programs are designed to provide more choices for immigrants and existing citizens who want a bit more oomph in their status,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem at a press conference. “As we look to increase our efforts to deport as many immigrants as possible,” Said Noem with almost no emotion, “We want to offer an option to those who can afford to pay their way into acceptance, or even privilege.”
Under the new system, standard citizenship remains free (though still requiring years of paperwork and borderline Kafkaesque bureaucracy), but Citizenship Plus, priced at $399.99 per month, offers several enticing benefits. These include expedited TSA lines, a free subscription to Disney+, and the right to roll your eyes during congressional hearings without fear of deportation.
For the true VIPs, Citizenship Ultra—starting at $999.99 per month—promises even more. Ultra citizens will gain access to reserved seating at Fourth of July fireworks shows, priority voting in battleground states, and one free white-collar crime.
“The Ultra package also includes a blue checkmark next to your Social Security number,” Noem added. “Because what’s the point of citizenship if you can’t flex a little?”
The announcement has already sparked debate, with critics claiming the move commercializes a fundamental aspect of democracy. “Citizenship isn’t a Netflix subscription,” said immigration activist Marisol Reyes. “It’s supposed to be equal for everyone, not something you bundle with perks.”
However, proponents argue that the packages will fund much-needed government programs. “Citizenship Ultra revenue will go directly toward fixing infrastructure,” Mayorkas assured. “Imagine pothole-free roads—if you’re an Ultra member.”
Existing citizens will also have the option to upgrade their status. “People born here can finally stop feeling like they’re stuck with the base model,” said an unnamed marketing consultant reportedly behind the initiative. “Why settle for being a regular citizen when you could be an Ultra American?”
Early adopters of Citizenship Plus and Ultra have expressed mixed reactions. “I love my Ultra perks,” said new member Raj Patel, recently naturalized through the program. “But now my neighbors keep asking me to get them priority tickets to Mount Rushmore. It’s exhausting.”
Meanwhile, economists are speculating about what could come next. “It’s only a matter of time before the government introduces Citizenship Pro Max,” said Dr. Lisa Chang, a political economist. “We’re imagining features like owning a star on the flag or the right to veto local HOA decisions.”
As for Noem, she remains optimistic. “This is America, land of opportunity. And now, that opportunity comes with tiers, exclusive benefits, and a subscription fee. Isn’t that what freedom is all about?”
The first wave of Citizenship Plus and Ultra memberships will roll out next month, with pre-orders open now. For those interested, there's even a limited-time promo: sign up by Presidents’ Day and get your first month free.
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