Employees Praying Corporate Takeover Means New Headshots
Hartford, CT — Employees at GigaTrend Solutions, a middling tech company specializing in “cloud-based synergy,” have been fervently praying that the recent announcement of a corporate takeover will lead to updated headshots for the company’s website, which still features photos taken under harsh fluorescent lighting in 2012.
The news broke Monday morning that CLWD, a slightly larger and equally unremarkable conglomerate, will be acquiring GigaTrend Solutions in what has been described as “a bold move to consolidate mediocrity.” Employees, however, were quick to zero in on what really matters: the possibility of finally escaping their decade-old headshots.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m concerned about job security, benefits, moving my family, and all that,” said marketing associate Karen Lutz, whose current headshot features her with a chunky statement necklace and a hairstyle referred to in 2012 as “The Pinterest Bob.” “But if CLWD wants to slap their logo on my paycheck and pay for a photographer who doesn’t make me look like I’ve been cryogenically frozen in a mid-level management conference, I’m all for it.”
Lutz is not alone in her concerns. The office Slack channels have been buzzing with chatter about the potential for updated professional photos. “This is our shot—literally,” wrote one employee in the #MergerThoughts channel. “Do we even know if CLWD uses beige backdrops? I’m praying for some nice moody greys or maybe even an outdoor vibe. Let’s manifest this!”
Others are less optimistic. “What if they just recycle the old headshots and Photoshop in the new logo?” asked IT specialist Greg Harper, whose current photo features a Bluetooth headset and an off-center tie. Rumors have also spread that CLWD’s HR department may employ “open-concept photography,” which reportedly includes standing employees in front of branded murals and encouraging them to pose “authentically,” as if anyone has ever felt authentic while wearing a name badge.
“Authentic? My authentic self is a person who doesn’t want to be photographed,” sighed senior project manager Diane Cho, whose current headshot includes what she calls “the world’s most judgmental cardigan.”
Despite the uncertainty, GigaTrend’s employees are rallying around a shared dream of headshot redemption. “If they give us the right lighting and let me lose the blazer, I’ll forgive them for eliminating 25% of our coworkers,” said operations specialist Luis Rodriguez. “Honestly, I just want a photo where I don’t look like I’m apologizing for existing.”
At press time, CLWD’s representatives declined to confirm whether new headshots would be part of the merger benefits package, though they did hint at “synergies” that may involve updating the company website. Meanwhile, GigaTrend employees have begun covertly Googling “how to pose for professional headshots” and debating whether navy blue or charcoal grey sends a stronger “I am a team player” vibe.
More News:
