Enlightenment: Monk Takes Staff Right to the Nads
KYOTO, JAPAN— Visitors to the Temple of Transcendence were left awestruck Monday after witnessing a feat of spiritual mastery unmatched in the modern age: Zen monk Ryota Takahashi achieved what many are calling the pinnacle of enlightenment by remaining completely serene while taking a full-force staff strike to the nads.
“Truly, he is beyond the mortal plane,” whispered temple-goer Atsushi Tanaka, who watched the demonstration with a mix of horror and admiration. “I stubbed my toe this morning, and I said ‘FUCK.’ But Ryota-san? Not a single flicker of pain, even as his worldly attachments were tested to their limits.”
The demonstration was part of the temple’s annual festival, during which monks display their spiritual discipline through various trials, including walking on hot coals, meditating under freezing waterfalls, and in Ryota’s case, enduring repeated blunt trauma to his hangdowns.
“He has transcended the ego, the body, and the need for an ice pack,” said Abbot Masayoshi Hiro, who administered the staff strikes with what spectators described as "enthusiasm."
“Pain is an illusion,” said Takahashi in a serene tone, moments after receiving a blow that made every male in the audience involuntarily cross their legs. “Just as joy, anger, and the concept of a deductible health insurance plan are illusions. When you see through them, you are free.”
However, not everyone was convinced of the spiritual implications.
“Look, I respect the guy, but I’m pretty sure he’s just numb from getting cracked in the nuggets a bunch,” said Junichi Mori, a skeptic who has attended the festival for the past three years. “Last year, he got hit with a kendo stick. This year, it’s a metal staff. What’s next, a wrecking ball? Enlightenment’s cool and all, but there’s gotta be a limit to how much inner peace one man can take.”
The event concluded with Takahashi leading a chant on impermanence, his tone unwavering and his posture impeccable—despite, as one observer put it, “what must have been bruised nuts if not way worse.”