How to Apologize for the Patriarchy Whenever You Greet Someone
Hey there, human-shaped reminder of systemic inequality! Before you even think about saying “hi” to someone, remember: every interaction is an opportunity to grovel for centuries of oppressive power structures. Sure, you didn’t personally build the patriarchy, but you benefit from it, don’t you, Brad? So, let’s get started on crafting the perfect apology for existing as you are after all those other men did what’s been done up to now. .
Step 1: Lead with Contrition
Forget “Hello.” Instead, try: “I am so sorry for centuries of entrenched misogyny, perpetuated by a system that rewards my audacity and punishes your excellence.” Sure, it’s wordy, but you’re not here to save time; you’re here to atone. Bonus points if you bow slightly—like you’re apologizing to a queen whose taxes built Versailles.
Step 2: Overcomplicate the Handshake
If you’re shaking hands, don’t just clasp—offer reparations. Perhaps slip a $20 into their palm with a handwritten note that says, “For the emotional labor my gender has forced you to endure. Love, Regret.” If they’re not into cash, offer something symbolic, like a crumpled piece of the glass ceiling you’re trying to smash.
Step 3: Turn Small Talk into Large Shame
The weather? Nope. Instead, try: “Did you know women only got the right to vote 104 years ago? Anyway, my bad.” If they bring up sports, say: “Oh, you mean the ones women have been underfunded in for decades? Yeah, huge oops on my part.” It’s all about finding the patriarchy in every single thing.
Step 4: Never Stop Talking About Witches
When greeting someone, casually mention the Salem Witch Trials. “Oh, hi! Speaking of historically silenced women, did you know over 200 people were accused of witchcraft in 1692? That was wrong of me.” Make sure to carry a tiny bell to ring as you acknowledge each specific atrocity. It’s all about the vibe.
Step 5: Cry, but Not Too Much
Tears are tricky—you want sincerity, not white savior. If you cry, make it a single glistening tear that says, “I am devastated by the patriarchy, but I won’t make this about me.” Practice in the mirror until you achieve just the right ratio of remorse to restraint.
Step 6: Exit Loudly and Apologetically
End every interaction with a grand statement: “I will do better as a representative of an inherently flawed system!” Then back away slowly, arms outstretched like you’re giving up the throne. Feel free to leave behind a pamphlet on intersectional feminism as a parting gift.
Remember, you’re not just greeting someone—you’re dismantling oppression one awkward, guilt-drenched interaction at a time. Now go forth, repent, and maybe Venmo someone a little extra just for fun.
More News:
