Don’t Miss These Fucking Huge Black Friday Deals on the Most Important Black Friday Ever.
With only one week to go, retailers nationwide have announced that this year’s Black Friday will be bigger, better, and more soul-crushingly essential than any other. “If you miss this Black Friday, you may as well crawl into a cave and live off moss, you piss-covered failure,” said corporate spokesperson Janet Wiles, who confirmed that absolutely everything—yes, even that—is on sale for a price so low it could make you froth milk with your jittery little hands.
Economists have warned that missing this Black Friday could tank your personal GDP, while influencers insist this is the “absolute last chance” to post an unboxing video before being socially ostracized.
“It’s the same as last year, but way more important,” said one shopper while elbowing an elderly woman for the last air fryer on the shelf. “If I don’t buy this stuff now, what will my legacy be?”
So cancel your plans, skip the Thanksgiving leftovers, and prepare to fight your way through crowds of deal-seekers. Because if you don’t get in on these deals, you might as well not exist, you pathetic ant.
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