A contentious debate is raging across the nation: are guns actually responsible for the startling rise in things and people being shot, or are things simply becoming easier to shoot on their own? Scientists and researches at MIT have been conducting a nearly decade-long study to understand if it is guns that make things easier to shoot or if things are, and always have been, just getting shot.

The Mysterious Origins of Shooting Things
Historians can’t seem to agree on when humanity first started shooting things, but many point to the invention of the bow and arrow as an early indicator. “Before that, it was mostly yelling at things or throwing things,” says Dr. Amelia Fletch, professor of Prehistoric Problem Solving at MIT. “When guns appeared, we initially thought, ‘Hey, things are being shot a lot more now!’ but we didn’t stop to ask the bigger question: are things getting shot because of guns, or do guns just happen to be around when things get shot?”

The Statistical Conundrum
A recent study found that at least 87% of things getting shot occurred in proximity to guns, but researchers were quick to note that correlation doesn’t imply causation. Lead analyst Victor Numlock elaborated: “Sure, it seems like having a gun makes it easier to shoot things, but who’s to say the things wouldn’t have been shot anyway? Maybe because we humans have been making a lot more guns, the odds of guns being near things that are getting shot has just gone up.”

In one notable example, a participant tried shooting a watermelon without a gun and failed miserably. When handed a gun, he shot it with ease. “Could’ve been the gun,” said Numlock, shrugging. “Could’ve been the watermelon was just ready to get shot.”

Are More Things Getting Shot? Depends Who You Ask.
While some argue that the sheer number of things getting shot these days is undeniable, skeptics remain unconvinced. “I don’t think it’s more things getting shot; it’s just that now everyone’s talking about things getting shot,” said local contrarian and toilet enthusiast Carl Grumbles. “Back in the day, things got shot all the time, but we didn’t go making a fuss about it. We just buried the feelings and moved on.”

Meanwhile, a local spokesperson for the National Gun-Facilitated Object Redistribution Association (NG-FORA) dismissed concerns outright. “The question isn’t whether guns make it easier to shoot things, but whether things are placing themselves irresponsibly in the line of fire,” said spokesperson Kelly Triggerstein, moments before dropping a glass of water and blaming the table for being in the wrong place.

The Philosophical Debate
As the dust settles, society is left pondering a deeper mystery: if guns make it easier to shoot things, why do some things still go un-shot? “Perhaps it’s the intention, not the tool,” mused weapons philosopher Chloe Hart. “Maybe things are only shot when they want to be shot.” Hart then attempted to conduct an interview with a pineapple, which remained steadfastly unshot throughout.

When asked about people who were shot who did not want to be shot, Hart answered, “Psychology makes it nearly impossible to know whether or not a person does or does not actually want to be shot.”

The Conclusion? Still Fuzzy.
For now, the debate rages on. Are guns really making it easier to shoot things, or are we simply in an age where things are naturally more prone to getting shot? And if more things are being shot, is that because of the guns, or have things simply become more shootable? Fuck. It’s so hard to know and understand why or how things and people end up getting shot.

As researchers scramble to untangle this existential knot, one thing is clear: the world is full of mysteries, but very few of them remain intact after a round of buckshot.

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