Area Man Needs to Know He’s a Zaddy, NOW
ARLINGTON, VA — In a breaking development that could finally bring some much-needed attention to one decent-looking guy, local woman Sandra Walton, 34, is urging her friends, her mother, and a bartender at O’Malley’s to confirm that her boyfriend, Derrick “D-Rock” Hughes, 36, is indeed, unmistakably, a zaddy.
“He’s rocking this beard now, and I just don’t think he’s aware of how zaddy-ish he is,” Walton said, showing a photo of Derrick to anyone within a 12-foot radius. “Like, why is nobody stopping him in the street to tell him? Do we need some sort of a declaration, or can I just draft a certificate?”
Witnesses report that Sandra’s appeals have escalated dramatically over the last month. She is reportedly “aggressively sharing” photos of Derrick lounging, grilling meat, and gazing absently into the distance with friends, who have now taken to providing standardized replies like, “Yes, Sandra. He’s a zaddy,” and “The man looks fine, please move on.”
“We just don’t want him to lose his zaddy confidence,” Walton explained, misty-eyed. “Like, he needs to know he’s a little mysterious, and maybe could fix a ceiling fan without calling his dad first.”
Local zaddy expert and self-described “amateur” woman in love, Amy Garcia, explained that men like Derrick are rare. “Sandra is right; we can’t let him fade into the oblivion of ‘guy who looks okay in flannel.’ He needs to lean into this. The world needs more zaddies, and Derrick could be the chosen one. The shirt he wore last Sunday? I mean…that’s zaddy energy.”
For his part, Derrick was seen at a Home Depot this afternoon buying light bulbs and nonchalantly radiating zaddy potential to anyone who might look his way. When asked about his recent rise to fame, he adjusted his baseball cap and replied, “I don’t know, man. Sandra just keeps calling me a ‘hot dad without kids.’ Is that good?”
Local authorities are advising residents to keep their eyes peeled for any additional zaddy sightings and to report them immediately to their group chats.
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