Gus Groundhog Sex Tape Rocks PA
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Pennsylvania is reeling after a scandalous new development in the state’s already cutthroat rodent-based fame circuit. Gus the Groundhog, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania and longtime mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery, has become embroiled in controversy following the release of a shockingly explicit sex tape that critics say “could do irreversible damage” to the family-friendly brand of the beloved lottery icon.
According to sources close to the burrowing star, Gus was “inconsolable” upon learning that intimate footage of him and an unidentified groundhog—allegedly filmed last spring in a secluded burrow—had made its way online. The video quickly went viral after it was posted on various social media platforms under the hashtag #GusGoesWild. In the hours since its release, Gus has received numerous comments ranging from supportive messages of “Groundhogs just wanna have fun!” to deeply concerned expressions like, “Is there a way to unsee this?”
Pennsylvania residents are reportedly “devastated but unsurprised” by the news. “We all saw this coming,” said local lottery ticket buyer Linda Palomino. “I mean, he’s been running around for years in that tiny vest, flinging money at the camera, asking, ‘Who’s gonna hit the jackpot?’ I guess he finally answered his own question.”
The scandal has reportedly placed an “unbearable” strain on relations between Gus and his longtime friend and rival, Punxsutawney Phil, the state’s reigning rodent celebrity. While Gus has long been known as the “second most famous groundhog,” Phil, who enjoys an esteemed position as Pennsylvania’s weather-predicting oracle, is believed to be privately delighted by the incident.
“I hate to say it, but this is why Phil is still top groundhog,” remarked Pennsylvania resident and part-time rodent anthropologist Todd Stevens. “Phil may get booed for predicting six more weeks of winter, but he’s never done anything like this on camera.”
While Gus has remained out of sight since the tape surfaced, rumors indicate that he’s considering issuing a public apology—though some experts say the move could backfire. “Gus is really caught between a rock and a hard place,” explained groundhog public relations strategist and burrow image consultant Sandra Mulligan. “If he apologizes, he risks looking like he’s ashamed of who he is, and if he doesn’t, he risks alienating his loyal fans who only want to see him promoting the Pennsylvania Lottery.”
At press time, the Pennsylvania Lottery had issued a terse statement: “Gus the Groundhog’s private life does not reflect the values of our institution. His contract is under review.”
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