REPORT: Americans, Out Of Ideas, To Finally Buy Crosley Suitcase Record Player
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.
The trend, now in its 12th consecutive year, sees shoppers convincing themselves that buying a portable turntable will somehow transform their friends or relatives into vinyl enthusiasts—or at least distract them long enough to avoid the conversation about why they’re still single.
“I was going to get my brother a smartwatch, but then I thought, nah, he needs a quirky hobby he’ll abandon in three weeks,” said local shopper Danielle Carson, who spent 20 minutes in Urban Outfitters debating whether to get the lavender or mint-green Crosley. “Plus, vinyl has, like, this warm analog sound. I think. That’s general fucking idea or whatever, right?”
Critics warn that most Crosley recipients will spend exactly one evening spinning a thrifted ABBA record before the device is relegated to a corner shelf alongside other “personality-building” items, like a ukulele and an adult coloring book.
Meanwhile, Crosley spokespersons remain unbothered. “We know our market,” said marketing VP Linda Grayson. “We’re here for the people who are totally out of ideas for an insufferable millennial in their life. Everyone is going to run out of ideas sooner or later.”
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