Families Once Again Concerned That Hearing Each Other's Real Opinions Could Ruin Holiday
PHEONIX, AZ — As the holiday season approaches, families across the nation are gearing up for another round of traditions, turkey, and tactful conversational tiptoeing. Sources report that, once again, many are bracing for the annual struggle to avoid any scenario where a loved ones real opinion could accidentally surface and detonate the delicate peace like a flaming yule log in a gas station.
“It’s a magical time of year,” said Christine Dupont, who has spent the last two weeks rehearsing neutral responses to every potential landmine topic, ranging from politics to whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. “We put up the tree, we bake cookies, and we pretend Uncle Rick’s conspiracy theories are just quirky bedtime stories for the kids. It’s exhausting, but worth it to keep the peace.”
The holiday anxiety is particularly acute this year, as experts warn that many families are dealing with an unprecedented combination of stressors: the economy, the lingering effects of group texts, and the audacity of cousins who insist on bringing their new vegan, keto, or “freegan” diets to dinner.
According to Dr. Melinda Graham, a family therapist specializing in holiday survival tactics, the key to a successful gathering is maintaining a rigid conversational diet of “safe” topics. “Stick to universally agreeable subjects like the weather, how good the mashed potatoes are, or how bad traffic was on the way over. Avoid anything more divisive than whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie, unless you’re prepared for actual casualties.”
However, not all families are heeding this advice. The Wilson household in Des Moines has announced plans to “just let it all out this year.” In a statement released earlier this week, the family’s eldest member, 82-year-old patriarch Harold Wilson, declared, “It’s time we stop pretending and start being honest. For starters, I’m sick of everyone saying Grandma’s eggnog is amazing. It tastes like glue”
Meanwhile, companies have been quick to capitalize on the holiday tension. A new line of conversation-proof holiday sweaters, embroidered with phrases like “Let’s Agree to Disagree” and “This is NOT the Time for That,” has already sold out at major retailers. Similarly, streaming services report a surge in demand for holiday-themed movies with absolutely zero subtext.
At press time, Christine Dupont was seen handing out printed copies of “conversation guidelines” alongside plates of sugar cookies, while silently praying that her brother would just not even talk.
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