God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
Malibu, CA — In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday. The blaze, which has so far consumed thousands of acres of prime coastal real estate, is the latest in a long line of celestial complaints filed against Californians.
“Honestly, I’ve tried floods, earthquakes, droughts—this state just won’t take the hint,” God reportedly muttered while stoking the Santa Ana winds. “Smoking Marijuana, getting tattoos, sunbathing? Enough is enough.”
Residents of Malibu, known for their sprawling estates and deep reservoirs of denial, responded to the heavenly inferno with a mix of yoga poses, wine-fueled panic, and Instagram posts. One local, Diane McCafferty, 42, shared her perspective between sips of her turmeric macchiato.
“It’s so weird that nature would turn against us like this,” she said, squinting through tinted sunglasses and wine. “I mean, I just had the entire hillside cleared for my goat yoga retreat. This fire feels, like, personal.”
Emergency responders, however, have confirmed that the flames appear to be guided with surgical precision, avoiding churches and Habitat for Humanity sites in favor of sprawling megamansions and $25 million wellness retreats.
“Based on the patterns, it’s hard not to conclude that this is targeted divine smiting,” said Cal Fire spokesman Doug Timmons. “The fire actually stopped, took a breath, and then turned toward a Beverly Hills influencer’s pool party. That’s not natural.”
In a rare comment, God clarified His intentions via an old testament-style press release distributed through a burning bush outside Santa Monica.
“This isn’t about climate change or poor forestry management,” the Almighty wrote in smoke that briefly blocked all flights at LAX. “This is a message. Turn from your vanity! Quit casting Leonardo DiCaprio in everything! And maybe recycle once in a while.”
Despite God’s fiery fury, California’s residents remain defiant. In an act of sheer hubris, Netflix has already greenlit a limited series based on the fire titled Hot and Holy: Burning for Redemption, with Zac Efron rumored to star as a brooding, misunderstood archangel.
Meanwhile, firefighters continue battling the flames, armed with little more than courage and a dwindling supply of oat milk. As for God, He remains undeterred.
“Don’t think I won’t bring back locusts,” He reportedly whispered into the ash-filled skies. “I still have the originals.”
You may also like:
