QUESTION: Are Your Kids Slurpin’ Ass?
A dangerous new trend, slurping ass, is popping up in middle and high schools all over the country. This trend is both sexual and drug-related. That’s right! Your teen could be out there experimenting with sex and drugs right now! Your teen could be putting a straw in another teen’s anus, slurping to drink in a fart or just general butt air to get high, while the receiving teen derives sexual pleasure from the aforementioned slurping being performed by your teen. The same scenario could also be happening, but with your teen as the one who is receiving anal slurps through a straw to derive sexual pleasure.
To get to the truth about your teen, I went undercover as a student at your teen’s high school. The only way to know which teens were slurping ass and where was to pretend to be a teen who just wanted to slurp some ass myself. As a local news reporter, I need to tell parents of America about anything that may scare them, so that’s exactly what I did.
I started the day in Miss Green’s homeroom, you know, the same homeroom as your teen is in. I was the new kid, and interest in my arrival was palpable. Thanks to my hot mid-thirties bod, I was able to fit in with the athletes and the cool kids right away. Soon, I was even talking to Jason Dunn. Jason Dunn, Amber, Kyle, Sam, and I hung out in the back of homeroom. They asked me where I came from and complimented my beard. I said, “Oh, we move around a lot, but I don’t care where I end up as long as I can find some ass to slurp.” The group grew quiet at this, then finally, Kyle laughed. “Oh, man, you got a fucked-up sense of humor. I like that,” said Kyle coolly as he put his hood up on his sweatshirt for what seemed like no reason. “Oh, man, don’t worry, guys, I’m not a snitch; you can tell me where to go to slurp ass.” I replied. As I said this, a look of disgust grew over the faces of the group of teens, and the bell for first period rang. The teens walked out without saying anything to me. Clearly, they knew I was onto them. Obviously, I had to prove I was really cool to get into the ass slurping crowd.
The next three periods I had Math, English, and Biology with your teen. These classes left basically no time at all for asking the other students about where I could slurp some ass. Luckily, the next period was lunch. I went into the lunch room, and I saw Jason Dunn. I went to sit down with him and Kyle, but Kyle said, “Hey, man, sorry we can’t just let a new kid sit with us on day one, even with your thirty-something looks and great bod. Plus, you kind of freaked out Amber this morning with all that ass slurping stuff.” I looked at them with understanding, staying cool as could be. “Ohh, yeah, I get it, guys, gotta keep the slurping ass stuff away from the ladies,” I presented to them calmly. “Get the fuck out of here, man,” said Jason Dunn, finally showing me some of the notorious popular guy wit.
I promptly found some kids who looked like they probably did drugs to sit down with. That’s right, I went, sat down, and had lunch with your teen. James, Seth, Marie, Devon, Sarah, Adam, and your teen were all at the table. “Ohh, new kid, though, break with Jason Dunn,” said Sarah in a sarcastic tone. I knew these kids slurped ass for sure. I laughed towards Sarah and said, “yea, I guess he just doesn’t want any sweet ass to slurp.” The table erupted in laughter. I was in. “Jesus Christ, how old are you?” Seth interrogated. “Old enough for slurping ass,” I said promptly. The table laughed much less this time; this was my in, they were ready to talk business. “So, where can I go around here for some ass to slurp?” I finally demanded. “Dude, I don’t even know your name, and you’ve mentioned slurping assholes 3 times. What the fuck? Chill. I know being the new kid sucks, but the slurping ass bit is dying, man.” reasoned James. Knowing when to take a hint, I quietly ate my lunch, listening intently for chatter of ass slurping. These teens were secretive and quick; they knew I was listening and they wouldn’t bring up slurping ass again.
As the lunch bell rang, I knew my chance was gone. Marie called over to me and said, “Hey man, rough start, but you can sit with us again tomorrow if you want.” But there would be no tomorrow, as I could only take one day for this ass-slurping story. Though I didn’t get any evidence, I knew that those kids were out there slurping ass. If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that those kids your teen was sitting with and Jason Dunn were definitely slurping ass and just wouldn’t tell me. I went home, defeated, knowing a better journalist than I would get in with those kids and find out if your teen is slurping ass.
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