BREAKING: Couple Passed Up Margaritas
KEY WEST, FL — Reports from the Annual Anderson/Henderson/Smith Couples Retreat are streaming in like margaritas from a bottomless pitcher, with first-time invitees Jane and Adam Dawson raising eyebrows by politely declining a round of margaritas at the first brunch. Word quickly spread across the resort, sparking fierce debate about whether the Dawsons are “Annual Retreat material.”
“Apparently Jane’s too good for brunch margaritas and for massages with the ladies,” reported a visibly unamused Ruth Anderson. “Me and Andria [Henderson] were just talking about making this the Anderson/Henderson/Smith/Dawson Couples Retreat, but after this? I don’t think they’ve got the right energy.” Ruth shot a look at Andria for backup, who quickly nodded. “Yea, and also Jane won’t shut the fuck about about her gay son Greg, and how ok with it she is. Like, I’d believe her more if she wasn’t constant starting stories with, ‘my gay son Greg,’ ya know?” she added, letting out an exasperated sigh.
I tracked down the men on the golf course to get their side of things. “Look, if Adam’s wife doesn’t want him having margaritas with everyone, I get it,” smirked Ben Smith. “Honestly, if I was married to Jane, I’d have trouble getting it up after drinking all day, too.” His jab had Robert Anderson and John Henderson doubling over in laughter, while Adam only let out a faint chuckle to stay in good graces with the group. “I really thought inviting the Dawsons would work out, that Adam’d fit in with the guys, and Jane would be down to gossip, and lounge with the ladies, but now? I don’t think we’ll be adding a ‘Dawson’ to the nameplate anytime soon,” Henderson concluded with a dramatic eye roll.
Defensive but composed, Adam pushed back: “Jane and I just didn’t realize this would turn into some sad drinking binge, just a pile of excuses to ditch your spouse for the weekend. I mean, God forbid we skip one margarita, but jeez am I bummed we won’t get to stamp the Dawsons name on this gem.” The group went silent, exchanging looks as Ben finally piped up, “Christ, Henderson, you lightly razz this guy about margaritas one time and he runs off his leash. No wonder Jane doesn’t let him drink.” He winked as the men broke into laughter, leaving Adam to shrug awkwardly and raise his beer. “It’s just a little early for me,” he mumbled.
I caught up with the Dawkins couple while they were sitting at the poolside of the resort. There was an Annual Anderson/Henderson/Smith Couples Retreat Tennis Tournament they had been told was, “an annual thing, ya know?” Which separated them from the other couples. “I just didn’t realize all of John and Andria’s [Henderson] friends were such pricks. They’re such a nice couple one on one. But, bring John down to Sandals with Ben and Robert for the weekend and all of a sudden I’m pussy whipped for not drinking a margarita at breakfast.” Panted Adam Dawsons. “Honey!” Yelped Jane as she hit him in the arm. “I’m sorry, Vagina whipped” corrected Adam.
At press time, the Dawsons were seen “calling it an early night” while the rest of the group’s laughter echoed from the hot tub like a judgmental soundtrack.
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