Study Finds Wiping Penis After Pee, Normal, Cool
Cambridge, MA — In a revelation shaking the very foundation of male bathroom routines, a new study from the Cambridge Institute for Modern Hygiene has found that wiping your penis after peeing is not only normal—it’s actually “totally rad.”
According to the study, published Tuesday in The Journal of Dope Ass Science, nearly 98% of men reported experiencing “a little post-pee drip” and confirmed that reaching for a square of toilet paper gave them an unexpected sense of refreshment and personal pride. Lead researcher Dr. Nancy Malloy says these findings are set to revolutionize men’s hygiene practices and kick-start a new era of “cool, drip-free dudes.”
“For too long, men have been taught that wiping is unnecessary or, frankly, uncool,” Dr. Malloy explained at a press conference. “But our research indicates the opposite—it’s not only completely normal to wipe a little bit, but it’s actually a rad move. Like, super rad. Think of it as the ultimate mic drop after a successful urination.”
The study, which surveyed 10,000 men across 30 states, revealed that a shocking 73% of men secretly do a “casual dab” if no one’s around to see it, with many reporting that they feel cleaner, fresher, and overall “just pretty chill” after a quick wipe.
“These guys described feeling like they’d just leveled up in personal hygiene, but levels down in overall flyness” said social scientist Derek Hughes, who co-authored the study. “A lot of them said they felt good and clean, but ashamed of themselves. One participant called it ‘post dab shame.’”
What’s more, the study revealed that wiping after urination could even be beneficial for health, providing minor prevention against issues like skin irritation and occasional odor. Dr. Malloy enthusiastically noted, “It turns out that a quick dab with toilet paper could even make you more productive, keeping you from an embarrassing situation at work. In other words, wiping isn’t just okay—it’s actually the raddest thing you can do for yourself in that moment.”
In an unexpected twist, the study reported that the “cool factor” of wiping is climbing among men under 30, who are taken to it like a trend. “It’s 2024—there’s no shame in caring about your hygiene,” said Tyler, 24, a study participant who described wiping post-pee as a big part of what makes him a “chill-ass dude”
With mounting evidence that wiping after peeing could actually be a healthful and empowering move, Dr. Malloy’s team has already begun lobbying for public restroom improvements, including signage promoting “The Dab” as the ultimate end to any bathroom visit. “If women get to have a whole roll, men deserve at least a square or two by every urinal,” she argued.
Following the study’s publication, the CDC updated its hygiene guidelines, citing wiping after peeing as “highly encouraged” and labeling it as “totally rad for personal hygiene.”
As for the nation’s fathers—long believed to uphold the anti-wipe mentality—they have yet to comment, though a spokesperson for the American Association of Dads hinted that “maybe they’ve been rethinking things a little.”
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