LAST DITCH EFFORT: Trump Introduces “Lesser-Evil” Twin
In a jaw-dropping twist in the final days of the 2024 election, Donald J. Trump introduced the country to his identical twin brother, “Donnie” Trump, a separate and “lesser-evil” twin who promises to bring all the benefits of Trumpism — but with half the evil.
In a packed press conference outside of Donald’s campaign jet, Donnie took the podium, with a beaming smile and a neatly pressed suit just a shade lighter than his “brother’s” usual attire. With a quick wave, he introduced himself as the “lesser-evil, and very real twin” of Donald J. Trump. “Folks, I know my twin brother is a lot for some of you,” he began, nodding sympathetically. “But I’m here as his lesser-evil twin, Donnie. I’m different. I’m here to bring the same values, without, you know, all the… extra stuff.”
Though he bears a striking resemblance to the former president in every conceivable way, Donnie insisted he’s always been around and he is a wholly separate person who is just like Donald only more restrained, less controversial, and (as he proudly put it) “the Trump twin with no public history at all.”
“My twin, Donald? Great guy, one of the best guys. Ask anyone. But, sometimes, maybe he overdoes it, just a bit,” Donnie continued. “I’m just here to do it less evil. I’m still a Trump — but without the chaos. I’m going to fight for America, just like Donald, folks, just without the, uh… wild stuff.”
Supporters seem to have completely embraced this new Trump, Donnie as his own person, with some even suggesting he’s the real Trump they were waiting for all along.
“I knew there had to be a calmer Trump out there, and here he is!” said Shirley Manning, a 62-year-old retiree who was an undecided voter yesterday. “Donnie’s not the loud, confrontational guy his twin is. He’s here for America, and now I can actually vote for the lesser-evil.”
Roger Mathis, a factory worker from Pennsylvania, echoed the sentiment. “I like Donnie because he’s a totally different guy with, like, the same exact values,” he said. “Donald is an intense guy who loves deals. But Donnie? He’s just down-to-earth. He’s still tough, but not too tough, you know? Donnie likes deals the right amount.”
The difference in approach was apparent throughout Donnie’s press tour. At a campaign stop in Ohio, Donnie shook hands with every single attendee and, unlike his twin brother, didn’t once mention being cheated in the previous election. “That’s just Donnie,” said campaign manager Lou Baxter. “He’s focused on solutions, on moving forward, because that wasn’t even him that all that had all that stuff in the past. That’s what makes him the lesser-evil twin.”
Some Anti-Trump voters are even switching to Donnie after hearing him calmly say, “I didn’t appoint any of who is on the Supreme Court right now, and I have the stance on women’s health rights that Donald has been unconvincingly trying to have the past few months.” Leading many undecided voters to praise his promise to bring “the Trump agenda, minus the lawsuits.”
Asked if there was any truth to claims that he and Donald were actually the same person, Donnie dismissed the notion with a laugh. “People say that, and I just shake my head,” he said. “I mean, come on! Would my twin, who is definitely not me, ever call himself ‘lesser-evil’? I’m Donnie, the good twin — the one here to bring you Trump policies, but without the… you know, the noise.”
At press time, Donnie ended his press conference with “OK, time for my nap,” before going back into his campaign jet. After several minutes had passed, Donald Trump emerged from the same jet to endorse his twin brother Donnie, adding, “See Donnie is inside napping, and I am here, so we cannot be the same person.”
For now, Donnie’s campaign has been embraced by those looking for “all the Trump, but half the evil.” With a new slogan, “A Lesser-Evil Trump,” Donnie Trump’s last-minute switcheroo is proving that, for many, the idea of a lesser-evil they can vote for is exactly what they needed.
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