NewsTime News

View Original

Nana Staying Alive For Wedding

TULSA, OK — Family members report that 89-year-old Florence “Nana” Hayworth has committed herself to one thing, and one thing only, in these twilight years: staying alive just long enough to attend her granddaughter Kaitlyn’s upcoming wedding.

“This body is a rusted-out jalopy held together by willpower and blood pressure meds,” Nana confirmed Thursday, visibly winded from walking to her living room armchair. “But I’ll be damned if I don’t see Kaitlyn walk down that aisle.”

Nana, who last attended a wedding in 2003 and remembers it “as well as anything,” has reportedly promised her granddaughter she’ll witness the entire ceremony, “even if it means clinging to this world by one wrinkled fingertip.”

“I’ve had a good run,” she said, clutching a tissue with her signature veiny grip. “But there’s no way I’m going out before I see that girl walk down the aisle in a dress that costs more than my first car.”

Family members say Nana has increased her intake of leafy greens, taken up a rigorous routine of walking to the mailbox daily, and begun embracing “newfangled health trends” like smoothies and collagen. Despite her refusal to wear reading glasses for the last decade, she now dutifully reads every online article suggesting that some obscure Mediterranean diet could be the key to another six months.

Granddaughter Kaitlyn says she is overwhelmed by the “commitment and guilt” her Nana’s determination has instilled.

“It’s a lot of pressure,” Kaitlyn confessed, acknowledging that her engagement is the only thing stopping Nana from “floating up to the heavens like an old balloon.” “I keep thinking, ‘What if I pushed back the date? What if we eloped?’ But then I remember Nana whispering, ‘If you think you’re going down to that courthouse alone, you’re dead wrong, missy.’”

Sources say Nana has been steadfast in her plans to sit in the front row, where she’ll be able to offer a “stern nod of approval” during the vows and, if health permits, attempt a light dab on the dance floor during the reception. However, Nana has made it clear that after the last of the wedding cake has been served, she’s handing her fate “back to the good Lord.”

In fact, she has already told family members her preferred epitaph: “Here Lies Florence, Witness to Kaitlyn’s Wedding.”

“After the wedding, I’ll be ready to go anytime,” Nana added with a twinkle in her eye. “Unless, of course, Kaitlyn decides to have kids. Then, I guess, I’ll need to stick around a little longer to meet the great-grandbabies. One life milestone at a time.”


You may also like:

See this gallery in the original post