NEW STUDY: Keep Blasting Pink Pony Club & It Will All Be OK
LOS ANGELES — A recent study released Thursday by researchers at the American government confirmed that, in times of crisis, one of the most scientifically effective responses is to put ‘Pink Pony Club’ by Chappell Roan on repeat and just hold on for dear life.
"The data doesn’t lie," said Dr. Marcy Elgin, chief musicologist and lead researcher. “People of all demographics reported an immediate sense of optimism, escapism, and vague disco nostalgia after about 2.5 listens.”
The study shows an average emotional recovery time of 45 minutes when the track is played at least four times consecutively, and the effect was found to increase exponentially with each listen.
“Honestly, we haven’t seen results like this since ‘Dancing On My Own’ by Robyn hit the airwaves," Elgin noted. “It’s just one of those songs that creates a powerful blend of denial and danceable heartbreak that, scientifically speaking, really helps when the world feels like it's burning down around you.”
For fans of ‘Pink Pony Club’, the findings were hardly a revelation. A local Los Angeles resident, Sarah McDowell, claims the song single-handedly helped her survive both a breakup and the great 2024 rent hike. “When I couldn't pay rent, and my cat knocked over my last bottle of rosé, I just threw on ‘Pink Pony Club,’” McDowell said. “In those four minutes, I’m not someone panicking about my future. I’m just some dancing my dreamy little ass off in a club stage in a bedazzled cowboy hat.”
McDowell's roommates report hearing the track play at least 200 times over the last three months, and they've started unconsciously humming along. “Honestly, I kind of hate it, but it works,” said one of her roommates, staring into the distance as if at an imaginary glittering nightclub. “We may be out of almond milk and employment prospects, but at least we're thriving emotionally. Kind of."
Experts say the "Pink Pony effect" works best if listeners visualize themselves as the star of their own slow-motion, club-lit drama. The visualization exercise is so effective that the Institute is now rolling out a ‘Pony Plan,’ a subscription-based service that includes daily affirmations, an optional glitter application kit, and one auto-renewing weekly "emergency email" reminding users to blast ‘Pink Pony Club’ at maximum volume.
Dr. Elgin has even suggested that the U.S. government consider distributing the song free of charge to taxpayers, at least until interest rates and student loans stabilize. “Look, at this point, a song is all we have to offer,” said one government official familiar with the proposal. “When things get bad, we say, ‘When in doubt, Pony it out.’”
Not everyone is convinced. Some economists warn that ‘Pink Pony Club’ might be creating a “false sense of stability,” leading individuals to dance instead of checking their bank accounts or confronting their lack of healthcare.
But for those like McDowell, a future of economic uncertainty and financial burden is manageable, at least for four minutes and eleven seconds at a time.
“We may not have a safety net,” McDowell said, “but as long as we have ‘Pink Pony Club,’ maybe we don’t need one. Or maybe we’ll just dance right through the collapse."
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