Tobin & Squee Prepare for Role in New Trump Administration
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected announcement, the Trump campaign revealed today that Tobin and Squee, high school friends of Brett Kavanaugh and champions of aggressive beach week diplomacy, have been tapped for key roles in the proposed second Trump administration.
The two men, who have reportedly spent the past few years "just crushing it," will reportedly serve as co-chairs of the newly created Office of Beer, a department aimed at promoting national keg unity and revitalizing the nation's ailing beer pong economy.
"This administration is about bringing in the best people, the classiest people," said Trump during a rally at a golf course inexplicably decorated with discarded lacrosse sticks. "Nobody understands loyalty, athletic shorts, or the spirit of America like Tobin and Squee."
Sources close to the administration say the pair's primary duties will include overseeing key policy initiatives such as "Operation KegStand the Economy" and "Project Flip Cup." Tobin is rumored to be draughting legislation that will create tax incentives for purchasing tank tops in bulk, while Squee is reportedly in talks with NATO to mandate a one-on-one flip cup tournament before any major international agreements.
Critics of the appointments have voiced concerns about their qualifications, with many pointing to an incident in which Squee reportedly referred to the Federal Reserve as "that ATM where Jerome Powell works." However, their defenders insist that this kind of outside-the-box thinking is precisely what America needs in a post-COVID, pre-apocalypse world.
When asked for comment, Kavanaugh himself appeared visibly emotional. "This is an amazing opportunity for two of the finest dudes I’ve ever had the honor of shotgunning with," he said, clutching a yearbook photo. "I just hope they remember their roots and always—always—'Boof it up.'”
While Tobin and Squee declined to speak to the press directly, a source close to the duo said they were already hard at work brainstorming ideas for their first 100 days in office. Among their proposed initiatives: making Friday afternoons federally recognized as "Beer-ly Legal Half Days," and replacing traditional town halls with "Bro Downs," where grievances can be aired through organized bouts of beer pong.
Despite the criticism, many Americans seem excited about the possibility of a more chill, keg-centric government. "Honestly, it's time we embraced a leadership style that truly understands what makes America great: beer, buds, and vibes," said Todd McMillan, a self-described "hobbyist music producer" and potential nominee for the Department of Energy. To critics, Tobins says, “Our boy PJ was raging when he heard he wasn’t going to be appointed with us, but after we all did the beer stuff the Office of Beer is gonna be doing, the PJ beef was squashed.”
It remains to be seen how this new vision for governance will fare, but one thing is clear: the next cabinet meeting might be held in a basement, and the password to get in will probably be “No Snitches Allowed.”
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