TRENTON, NJ — In a shocking turn of events, 10 individuals have bravely stepped forward to declare their willingness to be governor of New Jersey, a position that requires equal parts legislative savvy and the ability to survive Route 1 traffic during rush hour.

As residents across the Garden State weigh their options, these candidates are offering bold visions for the future of New Jersey, as well as assurances that they have the stamina to survive at least one legislative session without fleeing to Pennsylvania.

Here’s a breakdown of the illustrious lineup competing to govern the state where no good deed goes unpunished:

1. Ras Baraka:

Newark’s mayor since 2014, Baraka has promised to double housing production and bring prosperity to New Jersey’s urban centers. However, sources say his campaign slogan, “It Can’t Be Worse Than Newark City Hall,” might need workshopping.

2. Steven Fulop:

Jersey City’s mayor and a former finance professional, Fulop promises affordable housing and better public transportation. Rumor has it he plans to fund his campaign with surplus parking fees from Newport Mall, which, if successful, would make him the first self-financed candidate in state history.

3. Mikie Sherrill:

A former Navy helicopter pilot and Congresswoman, Sherrill’s campaign centers on affordability and freedom. Critics have noted her platform lacks specifics on whether "freedom" extends to hiding from taxes in the pine barrens.

4. Josh Gottheimer:

Known for co-chairing the House Problem Solvers Caucus, Gottheimer’s bid hinges on making New Jersey more affordable. Insiders suggest his real challenge will be explaining how "bipartisanship" applies to warring factions in the Paramus mall parking lot.

5. Sean Spiller:

As Montclair’s mayor and head of the New Jersey Education Association, Spiller insists he can balance the budget and avoid conflicts of interest. Opponents counter that his definition of “fair share” seems to include multiple paychecks for himself.

6. Stephen Sweeney:

After losing his Senate seat to a guy who spent $153 on his campaign, Sweeney is back and ready to govern. His platform focuses on experience, though skeptics wonder if that experience includes learning how to win elections against opponents with almost unlimited internet access.

7. Jack Ciattarelli:

The 2021 Republican nominee is running again, this time with a platform centered on fiscal responsibility. Supporters describe him as “Mitt Romney, but with Wawa gift cards.”

8. Jon Bramnick:

This state senator and self-proclaimed “comedy expert” promises to bring bipartisanship to Trenton. However, his latest routine—“Why did the chicken cross the Turnpike? To escape property taxes!”—hasn’t exactly brought the house down.

9. Edward Durr:

Best known for toppling a longtime incumbent with a campaign budget smaller than a voters attention span, Durr’s gubernatorial campaign hinges on his relatability. Critics argue that his “anyone can do this” ethos is less inspiring when applied to state governance.

10. Bill Spadea:

This conservative talk show host is running on a platform of traditional values and pro-Trump policies. Spadea’s campaign has already faced scrutiny after he suggested solving the state’s budget crisis by cutting taxes and “manifesting revenue.”

While these people all said they’d be willing to overseeing potholes, property taxes, and inexplicably high diner prices, New Jerseyans are left asking the real question: Why would any of them agree to do any of this?

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