Entire Philadelphia City Council Shows Up To Issue First-Ever Stopping-in-Bike-Lane Ticket
PHILADELPHIA — In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
Council members arrived early, donning reflective vests and wielding oversized ceremonial pens, as a tow truck idled nearby in what some described as “a buncha fuckin pageantry.”
“This is a monumental day for cyclists, pedestrians, and anyone who’s ever tried to bike past an illegally parked delivery van only to nearly get sideswiped by an Uber,” declared Council President Kenyatta Johnson, who held aloft the $75 ticket so the press could all capture the moment. “Today, we send a clear message: The bike lane is sacred. Except, of course, during rush hour, or if the driver has their hazards on, or of course if it’s an Amazon truck.”
The recipient of the ticket, local attorney Kevin Morrissey, appeared unfazed as he stepped out of his idling Lexus, coffee cup in hand. “I was just here for 30 seconds to grab a bagel,” Morrissey said, adding that he felt the council’s presence was “a little excessive.” “I didn’t even know this was illegal. They’re really enforcing bike lane rules now? Good luck with that.”
The event quickly turned into a media circus, with reporters, local activists, and confused pedestrians blocking traffic for over an hour. The councilmembers took turns posing for photographs next to the offending vehicle while others gave speeches about their unwavering commitment to multimodal transit solutions.
“This is about safety,” said Councilmember Kendra Brooks, gesturing toward a cyclist who was visibly annoyed at having to weave through a throng of photographers. “No one should have to risk their lives just because Kevin here couldn’t resist an everything bagel.”.
When asked if the council planned to continue such high-profile enforcement efforts, Council member Rue Landau responded, “This was a special occasion. We’re very busy, and let’s be honest, the chances of this happening again are about as slim as SEPTA maintaining equipment.”
As the tow truck finally hauled away the Lexus, the crowd broke into applause, while cyclists cautiously returned to the now-cleared bike lane—only to be immediately blocked by a UPS truck making deliveries.
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