Dr. Oz Says, “Free Medicare For All— Who Will Let Me Poke Their Freaky Bodies On TV
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move described by critics as “incredibly on-brand,” newly appointed Head of Medicare Dr. Mehmet Oz has unveiled his revolutionary plan to provide free healthcare to all Americans—so long as they agree to appear on his talk show and endure a public analysis of their “deeply concerning lifestyle choices and shockingly poor posture.”
Standing at the podium in a tailored suit that somehow screamed “as seen on TV,” Dr. Oz pitched his plan to a mix of confused reporters and visibly unwell audience plants. “Healthcare is a human right, yes,” he began, adjusting his camera-ready smile. “But it’s also a teachable moment. Why give someone insulin when I can give them hope—and, more importantly, a segment that boosts our Thursday ratings?”
The program, dubbed OzCare: Healthcare with Flair, offers comprehensive medical services such as heart surgeries, cancer screenings, and wellness plans, but only if participants agree to let Dr. Oz dramatically reveal their BMI in front of a live studio audience. “We can’t just treat people,” Dr. Oz explained. “We need to engage them. Nothing motivates better than a little shame sprinkled with applause.”
Under OzCare, patients will be required to sign waivers allowing their medical histories to be converted into gripping “before-and-after” montages, complete with swelling background music and a surprise cameo from a celebrity fitness trainer. Sources within the program confirm that while procedures will be free, patients may be sent home with unsolicited supplements, detox teas, or, in extreme cases, an experimental kale-based IV drip.
The response to the plan has been mixed. Senator Bernie Sanders called it “an insult to both dignity and the Hippocratic Oath,” while others questioned Dr. Oz’s medical expertise, pointing to his history of promoting dubious treatments. Oz defended himself against such allegations, stating, “Who better to lead healthcare than someone who has spent years exploring the alternative options? Real doctors play chess; I play 5D vitamin infomercial chess.”
Oz’s confirmation as head of Medicare has also sparked protests among healthcare workers, who are concerned about being replaced by a rotating cast of “celebrity guest experts.” Meanwhile, networks are reportedly in bidding wars over the exclusive rights to air upcoming OzCare surgeries, with one producer teasing “a triple bypass that’ll have you on the edge of your seat.”
At press time, Dr. Oz was seen handing out coupons for a free colonoscopy in exchange for a five-star Yelp review of his office’s “vibe.”
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