Atmospheric River and Cyclone Combine In What Some Are Calling “Normal weather”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.
The storm system, which brought torrential rains, hurricane-force winds, and airborne kayakers, has flooded entire cities, uprooted centuries-old trees, and turned highways into impromptu river rafting experiences. Residents describe the event as "biblical," while GOP leaders have shrugged it off as "a great opportunity to invest in water wings, and of course oil. Don’t forget to always invest in oil."
“It’s just weather,” declared Senator Chuck Cranston of Texas, standing knee-deep in what was formerly his primo parking spot. “We’ve had rain since the dawn of time. Now, suddenly, it’s a crisis? Give me a break. I had to swim here, and I feel fine. This is weather as usual and oil and gas are good.”
“This is exactly the kind of alarmist nonsense the left peddles to push their Green New Deal agenda,” House Speaker Brad McFarlane proclaimed during a press conference held in a floating podium. “Do you know what else was extreme? The weather in Noah’s time. And they didn’t stop supporting their honest, mom & pop oil companies, now did they?”
Climate scientists have expressed growing concern about the escalating frequency of such "unprecedented" weather events. Dr. Elena García, a leading climatologist, said, "This is what we've been warning about for decades. Atmospheric rivers and cyclones shouldn't be combining while forrests on the east coast are on fire."
Meanwhile, insurance companies have declared a state of "absolute panic," as claims for "cyclonic flood damage" pour in faster than the water itself. The CEO of Nationwide Insurance was seen handing out soggy lollipops to affected families, stating, “We’re all in this together... just with different deductibles.”
When asked if the government planned to address the issue of climate change, Senator Cranston laughed and said, “If the Earth really has a problem, I’m sure it’ll tell us. Maybe with a rainbow or something.”
For now, residents are advised to stay indoors, avoid swimming near downed power lines, and keep an eye out for stray dolphins in their backyards. As for the future? It looks like it might get even "normal-er."
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