Breaking: Area Man To Look At His Phone, Just Around, While Waiting
ST. LOUIS, MO — Standing awkwardly at the corner of 5th and Main, local man Derek Hodges is reportedly being consumed by an agonizing decision over whether he should pass the time by looking at his phone or, alternatively, by aimlessly glancing around at nothing in particular.
Witnesses confirmed Hodges arrived early for a lunch meetup and, upon realizing his friend hadn’t yet arrived, faced the existential challenge of choosing between scrolling through his social media feed for the fifteenth time that day or pretending to be deeply interested in a sign that says “No Parking Wednesdays.”
“Do I pull out the phone? But then I’ll look like one of those people who’s on their phone all the time. Or do I go with the classic look-around, maybe stare at that pigeon like I’m contemplating the mysteries of life?” Hodges muttered to himself as he fumbled with his iPhone, unlocking his phone three times and opening up three different apps in the process.
Sources say the decision was further complicated by the fact that he’d already done a full 360-degree scan of his surroundings twice and made fleeting eye contact with another guy holding a phone, which he did not want to repeat.
The stakes were high. “I don’t want to look like some awkward weirdo, but I also don’t want people to think I’m some kind of tech addict who can’t handle five seconds of boredom,” Hodges reportedly thought, weighing the pros and cons of each choice. “If I stare at my phone, people might judge. But if I just stand here looking around like I’m seeing the world for the first time, I’ll look like I’m… searching for a missing loved one or something.”
In an attempt to find balance, Hodges reportedly opted for the “half-phone look,” intermittently glancing at his device while also looking around every few seconds as if someone might be trying to contact him via telepathy. Sources say this tactic proved only mildly satisfying, with Hodges at one point even pretending to respond to a nonexistent text.
“Honestly, he could’ve just waited like a normal person,” said a bemused passerby. “Or I don’t know, read the menu that’s literally right in front of him. But hey, whatever works for him, I guess.”
At press time, Hodges was seen scrolling aimlessly through an app he hadn’t used since 2019 while appearing incredibly intrigued by the way sunlight reflected off a nearby bench, all while hoping his friend arrived before he was forced to commit to a strategy.
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