REPORT: Brad And Janice Just Broke Up
GREENVILLE, OH — In a shocking turn of events that has left an indelible mark on the small town and, quite possibly, the world, reports emerged this morning that Brad Daniels, 28, and Janice Fletcher, 27, have officially ended their relationship.
Eyewitnesses claim that tensions had been building for weeks, with several key signs of discord: a missed anniversary post, vague song lyrics shared on Instagram, and Brad “forgetting” to tag Janice in a Taco Tuesday story. Sources close to the couple report that the final straw was an argument over Brad’s choice to go to his company’s happy hour instead of watching Love Is Blind with Janice.
“Oh yeah, they were perfect for each other,” said Linda Mahoney, 72, who lives next door and monitors all neighborhood happenings from her kitchen window. “I told everyone Brad and Janice were ‘the real deal,’ especially after they adopted that succulent together. I guess no one’s safe from heartbreak these days.”
Reactions to the split have been swift and far-reaching. As of Wednesday morning, friends of the pair were reported to be struggling with decisions about who to side with, a divisive conundrum likely to have profound social ramifications. “I don’t know, man, Brad’s been my boy since college, but Janice makes that buffalo dip for Super Bowl Sunday. I’m torn up inside!” Yelled longtime friend Derek Hanes, visibly distraught.
Social media has also erupted in a frenzy of speculative commentary and veiled messages. One cryptic post from Janice, reading simply “Onward and upward,” has sparked analysis from those closest to her inner circle. “I mean, what does that even mean? Who is she ‘onwarding’ with? Does she mean spiritually? Like…what?” asked one puzzled friend, examining the line like an ancient prophecy.
Meanwhile, sources report Brad has already been spotted downloading a dating app but keeps saying “he’s just checking it out.”
Brad and Janice’s breakup has also left collateral damage across the community, with rumors already circulating about potential impacts on the upcoming Labor Day BBQ. Local event organizers have reportedly considered moving the annual affair from the shared lawn in front of Brad’s apartment complex to a neutral park equidistant from their new places , “out of respect.”
In an effort to cope with the seismic shift, many of the couple’s acquaintances have begun organizing support groups, citing feelings of uncertainty, sadness, and general confusion about who will now host the group’s The Masked Singer watch parties.
“This has been a wake-up call. If Brad and Janice couldn’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?” asked Taylor Jordan, 25, another member of the friend group, her voice cracking. “I’m scared to even look at my boyfriend now.”
As the dust settles, there remains one glimmer of hope for peace: Janice’s younger sister recently hinted that the pair may one day reconcile, though not before both “do some soul-searching” and, reportedly, “finally make space for each other’s needs.” For now, however, residents of Greenville brace for life in a post-Brad-and-Janice world, anxiously awaiting updates on the unfolding situation.
More updates to follow if Brad shows up at the town’s Farmers’ Market alone.
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