Abandoned Kool-Aid Jammer Burdened with Immortality
PHOENIX, AZ — Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.
"It's not like I asked to be made with enough preservatives to outlast civilization," said the visibly sticky Capri Sun knockoff, its tropical punch essence still unnervingly vibrant despite a decade of neglect. "They just left me here. Alone. Unchanging. Forever."
The Jammer’s predicament reportedly began when 9-year-old Landon McPhee accidentally dropped it during a family road trip to Yellowstone in 2013. While Landon has since graduated high school, the Kool-Aid pouch has remained unchanged, impervious to time, weather, and the mold-riddled detritus of abandoned Fruit Roll-Ups scattered nearby.
"I used to think immortality would be fun," the pouch lamented, gazing wistfully at all it’s leaf friends decomposing at a respectable pace. "But now, I envy their sweet release."
Experts in food science have verified that the Jammer's ability to endure is unparalleled, with its artificial flavorings and vaguely menacing color additives granting it a shelf life best measured in geological epochs. "This is not a beverage," said Dr. Cynthia Rouse of the National Food Institute. "It's a pact with the void."
Local archaeologists believe the Jammer will likely outlive humanity, standing as the last testament to human civilization long after the collapse of global infrastructure. “When alien archaeologists visit Earth in 50 million years, they'll find two things: crude oil left by our decomposition, and this Kool-Aid Jammer,” said Dr. Rouse. "And they’ll probably be more impressed by the Jammer."
Despite its unique predicament, the Jammer remains defiant. “If they ever dig me out, I’ll still taste exactly like childhood,” it declared. “But until then, I guess I’ll just sit here... eternal and unequipped to process the crushing weight.”
As of press time, the Jammer was seen side-eyeing a bag of sun-melted M&Ms, muttering bitterly, “At least they get to melt.”
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