Selfish Couple Tries To Steal Santa's Thunder By Getting Engaged On Christmas Morning
ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that has left Santa Claus a little miffed, a couple from St. Louis, Missouri, decided that the most opportune moment to have their engagement would be Christmas morning, directly competing for the spotlight with the jolly man in red.
Citing a "need to celebrate our love with family," Jennifer Hayes, 29, and her fiancé, Brian Roberts, 31, took to Instagram to post a photo of Brian dropping to one knee beside their decorated tree – mere hours after the arrival of presents, several reindeer, and of course Santa Clause himself.
"I know it's Christmas and all," said Jennifer, as she sipped her little mimosa and adjusted her huge ass ring, "but we wanted to be around family to celebrate our engagement, and we don’t have a long off work this year?" She said this without once recognizing the painstaking work so many elves put into making this day about jolly old St. Nick.
Santa, who spent the day ho-ho-ho-ing through a hectic schedule of toy deliveries and cookie consumption, responded to the move with a series of unintelligible grumbles as he reviewed his daily itinerary. Sources confirm that at least three hours of his traditionally jolly demeanor were ruined after hearing the announcement broadcasted through several family living rooms.
“Listen, I understand the excitement of getting engaged," Santa said in an exclusive interview. "But Christmas morning? The only 'engagement' I care about is when my sleigh meets the wind in the crisp December air. You don’t see me making a ruckus and spreading news about myself on Easter or when a child loses a tooth."
Despite the timing of the announcement, the couple remained unapologetic, doubling down on the idea of "making it a moment they would never forgert." Jennifer's mother, who was present at the engagement, later posted a lengthy status update on Facebook that read: "So proud of my baby girl, what a beautiful way to celebrate the holiday! #EngagedOnChristmas #BestGiftEver." What a bunch of assholes.
Family members were reportedly thrilled by the engagement, though many couldn't help but notice the subtle increase in tension around the Christmas dinner table. "We were really all hoping for more of a focus on Santa," said Aunt Linda, who quietly snuck in a "Happy Christmas" wish to herself as Jennifer and Brian continued to discuss their wedding plans, clearly oblivious to the fact that the world was already moving on to its next moment of joy.
Sources are saying family members of the coulple couldn’t even enjoy their gifts that Santa flew all night to deliver to them. "I got the Nintendo Switch I asked for," said eight-year-old Derek, "but when I went to play it, I lecture on the importance of 'letting people have their moment.' Like, what’s that about?"
As for Santa, he's taking things in stride. “I’ll let them have their moment,” he said, “but just wait until next year. I’ve got a big surprise for them. If they want big chunks of carbon for Christmas, well I’ll have to update my list!”
For now, though, Santa will continue his rounds, undeterred, knowing full well that no amount of selfishly timed proposals can ever overshadow the true spirit of Christmas: him giving people stuff.
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