U.S. Really Just Doesn’t Want to Talk About Why It Keeps Voting for a Man Who Hates Gay People Right Now
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a display of collective discomfort, the United States has announced that it’s “just not ready” to have a conversation about why it keeps voting for a man whose platform seems to hinge on a profound disdain for gay people. Experts agree the nation has instead opted to mumble something about the economy and gesture vaguely toward some books.
“I mean, it’s complicated,” the U.S. said, nervously swirling its iced coffee. “There’s, like, a lot going on right now. Inflation, gas prices, Taylor Swift tickets—can we maybe circle back to this later?” The nation then abruptly changed the subject to the weather.
Political analysts have speculated that the U.S. might be harboring deep-seated internal contradictions, but every time someone brings it up, the U.S. quickly finds an excuse to leave the room. “It’s like when your friend keeps dating someone who’s clearly terrible for them, and every time you try to say something, they just shrug and say, ‘Well, nobody’s perfect,’” said Dr. Lila Carruthers, a sociopolitical therapist. “Except instead of a toxic boyfriend, it’s supporting anti-trans bathroom bills.”
In interviews, The U.S. offers a variety of explanations, none of which seem to hold up under scrutiny. “Look, I don’t agree with everything he says, but he’s really good on all kinds of tax cuts,” said The U.S., moments before admitting they couldn’t name a single tax cut. The U.S. also suggested that the policies don’t “personally affect” them. In once interview The U.S. Said, “I love all Americans, but,” and ended with an unspecific pledge to “pray harder.”
The U.S. is reportedly already planning to “revisit this whole thing” in a few months, or maybe a few years, or honestly, whenever it feels like it. In the meantime, it insists it’s super busy with “important stuff,” like trying to figure out if TikTok is secretly spying on its teenagers, and ending women’s reproductive rights.
“We’ll get to it, I promise,” the U.S. added hastily, before muting all its group chats and streaming another god damn true crime documentary.