Chinese Buffet Introduces Guarantee That Dad Will Make It Home Before Shitting Pants
COLUMBUS, OH — In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
“We’re committed to providing delicious food and peace of mind,” said owner Henry Lin while proudly unveiling a framed certificate reading, 'No Dad Shits His Pants'. “For too long, fathers have lived in fear of the buffet to bathroom at home distance, but no more. We’ve adjusted our recipes and portions to ensure at least 45 minutes of intestinal stability.”
The guarantee reportedly comes after years of complaints from families who said Dad’s were driving home at ninety miles per hour and often soiling their pants and car seats before getting the family home safe and out of stink’s way.
“I love The Golden Dragon, but every time I would get in the car with my family to go home would start to panic, knowing I only had so much time before the last of my children’s respect would be destroyed along with my pants,” said local dad Greg Wilkins, who recalled an incident last fall when he almost didn’t make it out of the parking lot. “Now I can eat my third plate of General Tso’s with confidence. My khakis haven’t lasted this long in years.”
As part of the initiative, Golden Dragon also introduced a "Dad Tracker" app, where family members can monitor Dad's location and digestive countdown in real-time.
Despite widespread praise, some skeptics remain unconvinced. “It’s ambitious, sure,” said gastrointestinal expert Dr. Paula Reams. “But unless they’ve solved the mystery of whatever’s in that neon orange chicken, this promise might be more fragile than Dad’s colon.”
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