Joe Biden Sets Really Strict Parental Controls on Hunter’s New Laptop Post-Pardon
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
Speaking from the Oval Office, Biden emphasized the importance of personal responsibility. “Look, Jack, you can’t just let someone loose with a blank slate and no guardrails. That’s why I made sure this new laptop blocks all the bad stuff—gambling sites, unsavory forums, whatever that Candy Crush thing is. We’ve even got one of those timer apps that shuts the thing off if you use it past 9 p.m.,” Biden said, squinting at the press pool.
The pardon, which has sparked heated debate across the political spectrum, comes with what the president described as “a set of boundaries, like any good parent would impose.” Among the restrictions on Hunter’s laptop are:
• A two-hour daily limit on internet usage.
• A pre-approved list of safe websites that includes Wikipedia, PBS Kids, and Neo Pets.
• The immediate suspension of his iMessage privileges if he tries to download Snapchat.
Sources close to the Biden family say Hunter initially protested the new rules, calling them “unfair” and “juvenile,” but the president stood firm. “Hey, if you don’t like it, you can stick to pen and paper, pal,” Biden reportedly told his son.
The laptop itself is said to be a refurbished Dell from 2012, complete with stickers reading “Property of POTUS” and a hefty password that combines random uppercase letters, numbers, and Biden’s favorite Amtrak line.
When asked if the restrictions might strain his son’s ability to conduct business, Biden was quick to reassure. “Hunter can email anyone he needs to, just as long as Jill and I approve the recipient first. You can’t be too careful with these things—you leave one message thread open, and suddenly you’re embroiled in, I don’t know, international oil something-or-other.”
At press time, Hunter was seen attempting to guess the laptop’s password, while President Biden stood behind him, arms crossed, muttering, “You’re gonna thank me for this someday, kid.”
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