Drone Will Finally Give Man Motivation to Write, Produce, and Direct a Feature Film
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
“This drone changes everything,” Whitman said, gingerly unpacking the $2,300 device from its sleek, unnecessary case. “Before, I just didn’t have the tools or the vision to make a movie. But now? I can totally see it—epic sweeping shots, the whole mis-en-scene. People are gonna lose their minds.”
Though Whitman has no prior experience in filmmaking and frequently struggles to finish emails, he confirmed that the drone's cinematic capabilities are the missing puzzle piece in his creative process. “I’ve always had these amazing ideas for scripts, like this one about a guy who’s a barista but also a vigilante,” he explained, scrolling through a YouTube tutorial on “How To Sync Drone Footage With GarageBand.” “Now that I can fly this thing over a field or a lake or whatever, the story will basically write itself.”
Sources close to Whitman say his grand vision for the film includes dramatic shots of abandoned warehouses, sunset beach flyovers, and a pivotal scene involving someone waking up and hitting their alarm clock.
Despite lacking a completed script, cast, or crew, Whitman has already begun crafting an elaborate behind-the-scenes narrative for interviews he expects to give. “I’ll talk about how the drone was really a metaphor for creative freedom,” he said, mentally rehearsing his acceptance speech at Sundance.
Friends and family, however, remain skeptical. “Jared couldn’t even finish his short story about a sentient waffle iron,” said his roommate, Derek. “I give it a week before he crashes the drone into a tree and lists it on Craigslist as ‘lightly used.’”
At press time, Whitman was reportedly reviewing stock soundtracks titled “Epic Cinematic Drone Adventure Vol. 1” while Googling “How to enter the Oscar’s race.”