God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
HEAVEN — In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.
“Yes, it’s polka,” boomed the Almighty, shrugging. “The oompahs, the accordions—it’s the perfect harmony of chaos and joy. Nothing else comes close.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through Earth. Indie kids sobbed into their vinyl collections. Metalheads attempted to headbang but found themselves involuntarily two-stepping instead. Spotify crashed as users scrambled to delete their playlists and start learning about Bavarian folk legends.
“I’ve devoted my life to classical music,” lamented renowned conductor Margaret Fields. “But apparently, a tuba and an accordion duet about beer is superior to Beethoven.”
Meanwhile, polka enthusiasts—long thought to be mythical creatures or retirees trapped in nursing home rec rooms—took to the streets in triumph. “We tried to tell you!” shouted Stan Kowalski, who plays third accordion in a local polka band. “We’ve been the chosen ones all along!”
When asked if He’d reconsider, God sighed. “You people asked Me this for centuries, and now you’re mad? Goodbye.”
Experts predict mass chaos as humans worldwide scramble to learn the polka basics, with a likely surge in accordion sales and lederhosen orders by week’s end. A spokesperson for humanity announced an emergency meeting to petition God to, at the very least, consider .
Until then, the angels are reportedly rehearsing their new anthem: a raucous, celestial rendition of Beer Barrel Polka.