TRAVEL REVIEW: Kyoto, Japan? I Don’t Know, Man.
Written By: Todd P. Lungren - Travel @ NewsTime News
Kyoto, Japan. A place so steeped in history that it feels like it should come with a warning: “May cause accidental learning.” Who can be assed to do school work when you’re trying to have a holiday? I spent three days there, walking amongst temples, shrines, and people who seemed to understand what they were doing. I, however, did not.
My first day in Kyoto started with a visit to Fushimi Inari-taisha, a shrine famous for its thousands of bright orange gates. I thought, “Thousands of gates? That must lead somewhere exciting, like a theme park or a really big shop.” It doesn’t. It just leads to more gates. The gates go up a mountain, which I assume is meant to be inspirational, but by the third incline, I began to feel personally attacked by the stairs. I’d ask the gods for help, but they were probably busy designing more gates.
Next, I visited another temple, Kiyomizu-dera, which is apparently a UNESCO World Heritage Site. To be honest, I’m not sure what that means, but it’s probably a big deal, like being verified on Instagram for buildings. The temple’s balcony offers a stunning view of Kyoto, but it also has no railings, which I assume is a test of your faith—or your balance.
Day two involved a visit to the Philosopher’s Path, which is a walkway along a canal lined with cherry trees, like the one George Washington was honest with his dad about chopping down. I thought it would be full of philosophers sharing their wisdom, but it’s just a path. No one offered me a single thought, let alone a philosophical one. Still, it’s peaceful if you like walking slowly and pretending to care about ducks. I guess you can just call things philosophers now to make them sound nerdy or old.
I also went to a Zen garden at Ryoan-ji, where rocks are carefully arranged to symbolize... something. They didn’t explain what, which I think is the point. You’re meant to sit and think about the rocks, but I found it hard to focus because there were loads of things I could e doing on my phone in stead of looking at rocks.
On the final day, I visited the Nishiki Market, a long, narrow street filled with food stalls and shops. It’s considered a “culinary treasure trove,” which is another way of saying “confusing maze of smells.” I tried some local snacks, like mochi, which is a sticky rice thing that looks like a dessert but fights like a glue trap when you try to eat it.
Finally, I attended a traditional Kyoto dance performance, hoping to end my trip on a high note. The dancers were geishas, who are very graceful and probably much more intelligent than me, because they never tripped over their own feet while twirling or using a fan. The music was played on a shamisen, which is like a guitar if guitars were invented before fun. I tried to clap along, but the rhythm was so complicated that I’m pretty sure I accidentally insulted someone’s ancestors.
Kyoto is undeniably beautiful, but it’s the kind of beauty that makes you feel like you’ve turned up to a wedding in jeans. Everything is serene and meaningful, which can be overwhelming if, like me, you’re more familiar with things that are loud and obvious like football or insurance commercials. If you’re the sort of person who enjoys contemplating the mysteries of life while sitting quietly on a wooden bench, Kyoto is perfect. But if you’re not, bring a book—or just stay home and Google it.
I give Kyoto 3 out of 5 stars.
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