PHILADELPHIA — Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.

“We’ve been through this before,” said City Councilmember Anthony Phillips, who helped draft the proposal titled "Operation Preemptive Smash Zone." “If we’re going to have widespread chaos anyway, we may as well offer a controlled, spacious environment for rioters to flip shelves, loot deodorant, and smash things in a fun and healthy way.”

Local investors have similarly thrown their support behind the plan, citing financial pragmatism. “What’s the point in putting up a fancy organic grocer or high-end yoga studio if it’s gonna get all messed up either way?” said Chris Heller, a commercial real estate developer. “We figured it’s easier to just let nature run its course. Philly fans are like floods: you can’t stop ‘em, but you can direct where they go.”

According to City Council, leaving the Rite-Aids vacant will create a “safe space” for rioters to express their jubilation and/or primal rage without causing unnecessary damage to nearby mom-and-pop businesses.

“We’re proud of this initiative. It’s like a bounce house but for property destruction,” said Councilmember Lorenzo. “It’ll be nice for folks to have safe, sturdy areas to loot, pillage, or just vibe in for a while.”

The proposal has drawn praise from Eagles officials, who have already offered to help decorate the abandoned storefronts.

“We’re thinking confetti cannons, giant team flags, and maybe a few Eagles-themed piñatas filled with beer and expired cough syrup for added effect,” said Eagles Director of Fan Engagement Tony Grayson. “It’s about creating a fun, smashable atmosphere for everyone—young, old, drunk, super drunk.”

While most residents have embraced the plan, some are concerned the vacated stores will become permanent eyesores if the Eagles fail to make the Super Bowl.

“If they don’t get there, what happens? You’re just gonna leave empty Rite-Aids everywhere?” asked Frank Deluca, a South Philly resident. “But I guess it’s fine. Worst case scenario, we can still light ‘em up and throw a party for making it to the NFC Championship. We’re not picky.”

Meanwhile, city officials assured citizens that they have contingency plans in place. “If the Eagles crash out early, we’ll just convert the stores into pop-up therapy zones for fans to scream about the refs,” said Lorenzo. “Same Rite-Aid. Different vibe.”

At press time, city contractors were seen boarding up windows and placing signs outside the stores that read, "Welcome Eagles Fans: Smash Responsibly."

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