WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences. The plan, dubbed "Operation Vague Menace," has been praised for its ambitious scope and total lack of actionable solutions.

“We’re here to send a clear message to the unhoused population,” declared Senator Blaine Thistlepitch (R-ND) while gesturing dramatically toward an empty podium for emphasis. “A message that we see them, we hear them, and we fully intend to make them regret existing in public spaces.”

Key components of the plan include funding media stories that dehumanize the unhoused, confiscating tarps at random, and issuing sternly worded leaflets demanding people "cease being poor immediately." The coalition also announced plans to deploy menacing-looking signs reading, “This park closes at 3:00 PM… OR ELSE.”

The initiative has received widespread support from local governments eager to act without addressing systemic causes. Mayor Linda Cragglethorpe of East Pine Knoll hailed the move as “a bold continuation of America’s proud tradition of declaring war on the symptoms of inequality.”

“We’re confident that threatening people who already have nothing will be a real game-changer,” said Cragglethorpe while shooing away a man trying to eat a sandwich on the sidewalk.

Critics, however, have raised concerns about the feasibility and morality of the plan. "This does nothing to address housing shortages, wage stagnation, systemic inequality, America’s prescription drug epidemic or anything that would actually affect most voters." noted Professor Clarissa Walden of the Urban Policy Institute. “It’s almost as if they’re just performing outrage for political gain.”

In response to such criticism, Representative Chadwick Goonsley (D-MO) issued a sharp rebuttal. “Critics don’t understand the complexity of this issue,” Goonsley explained while announcing a new bill to fine unhoused people living in front of tourists. “The unhoused community will clearly benefit from being told they’re the problem again.”

When asked what the next steps might be if this initiative fails, Senator Thistlepitch responded, “Oh, we’ll just invent a new way to criminalize existence. Maybe something about the way they breathe?”

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