WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.

Aides confirmed that McConnell, dressed in his traditional dark suit and preserved in a delicate mix of formaldehyde and legislative loopholes, graciously accepted well-wishes from his colleagues. At one point, he reportedly muttered, “Thank you,” before pausing for 45 seconds, staring into the distance, and then continuing with, “Let’s get back to work.”

McConnell, who was first elected to the Senate in 1789 as part of Kentucky’s original statehood delegation, has been a stalwart figure in American politics, guiding the nation through critical moments such as the War of 1812, the Great Depression, and the time Ted Cruz tried to do improv.

Many attendees reflected on McConnell’s long, steady hand in the Senate, particularly his masterful ability to obstruct anything even vaguely resembling progress. “It’s honestly remarkable,” said Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX). “Mitch has been slowing things down in Congress for so long.”

The event’s climax came when Senate Chaplain Barry C. Black led a special prayer for McConnell’s continued health, longevity, and ability to outlast democracy itself. Then, in a touching moment, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson unveiled a portrait of McConnell painted entirely in hues of beige, gray, and compromise.

To mark the occasion, McConnell’s colleagues surprised him with a life-size tortoise sculpture in his honor, sculpted entirely from fossilized bills he had personally blocked over the years. “We figured it was only right,” said Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME). “Mitch has always been an inspiration to slow-moving, obstructionist reptiles everywhere.”

McConnell, in a rare moment of emotion, nodded approvingly at the tribute. “That’s… quite something,” he said, before slowly blinking. “Here’s to another hundred years,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham, raising his glass with a nervous chuckle. “May he keep us all in a legislative chokehold for generations to come.”

Correction: A previous version of this article stated that Mitch McConnell turned 200. We have since been informed that he is, in fact, “timeless and unbound by mortal constraints.” We regret the error.

You may also like: