Tragedy: Red Robin Customer Drowns in Bottomless Fries
Reports are flowing in today from multiple sources confirming the tragic demise of local Sherwin-Williams employee Donald Weston, who reportedly drowned in a towering heap of bottomless fries at the nearby Red Robin during lunch.
Breaking: Area Man To Look At His Phone, Just Around, While Waiting
Standing awkwardly at the corner of 5th and Main, local man Derek Hodges is reportedly being consumed by an agonizing decision over whether he should pass the time by looking at his phone or, alternatively, by aimlessly glancing around at nothing in particular.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
Lovers on Opposite Sides of River
“I mean, we’re in love and all, but water is water,” Chloe shouted from the West Side, visibly struggling to make her voice carry over the gentle yet unyielding flow of the river. “It’s like we’re Romeo and Juliet—only less tragic because no one is actually trying to get in a boat or anything.”
Gus Groundhog Sex Tape Rocks PA
Pennsylvania is reeling after a scandalous new development in the state’s already cutthroat rodent-based fame circuit. Gus the Groundhog, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania and longtime mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery, has become embroiled in controversy following the release of a shockingly explicit sex tape that critics say “could do irreversible damage” to the family-friendly brand of the beloved lottery icon.
Area Man Needs to Know He’s a Zaddy, NOW
“He’s rocking this beard now, and I just don’t think he’s aware of how zaddy-ish he is,” Walton said, showing a photo of Derrick to anyone within a 12-foot radius.
Area Penis Just for Peeing
It gives me no pleasure to announce after 34 years, that my dick is pretty useless, now. It will only be used for peeing into the potty from a sitting down position, as I could piss on the toilet seat and make a god damn mess everywhere if I were to continue to stand.