Unhooked Shower Ring Continues Mocking Family
The rogue ring, which has reportedly been “on the brink” for the past several weeks, has decided to stay disconnected from its fellow rings, flapping freely and visibly disrupting the aesthetic and functional integrity of the bathroom curtain.
BREAKING: Trump Gets Covid As Excuse To Call Out of Election, If Losing
According to several sources close to Trump, he has a “100 percent foolproof plan” to “call out sick” if election night doesn’t go his way.
Activists Hold Save T.G.I. Friday’s Protest, Amid Bankruptcy
The friend group, who prefers the impersonal, mildly seasoned safety of TGI Fridays over local establishments, gathered at their favorite suburban location to "drink, eat, and repeat until it all just feels like the Fridays they know and love."
LAST DITCH EFFORT: Trump Introduces “Lesser-Evil” Twin
In a jaw-dropping twist in the final days of the 2024 election, Donald J. Trump introduced the country to his identical twin brother, “Donnie” Trump, a separate and “lesser-evil” twin who promises to bring all the benefits of Trumpism — but with half the evil.
Study Finds Wiping Penis After Pee, Normal, Cool
In a revelation shaking the very foundation of male bathroom routines, a new study from the Cambridge Institute for Modern Hygiene has found that wiping your penis after peeing is not only normal—it’s actually “totally rad.”
BREAKING: Couple Passed Up Margaritas
Word quickly spread across the resort, sparking fierce debate about whether the Dawsons are “Annual Retreat material.”
QUESTION: Are Your Kids Slurpin’ Ass?
As a local news reporter, I need to tell parents of America about anything that may scare them, so that’s exactly what I did.
Area Man’s Vote Suppressed By Line
Declaring democracy in “pretty dire straits,” local man Jim Hensley, 34, reportedly felt his right to vote was gravely suppressed Tuesday after seeing the long line outside his local polling station and deciding it wasn’t worth the wait.
REPORT: Brad And Janice Just Broke Up
In a shocking turn of events that has left an indelible mark on the small town and, quite possibly, the world, reports emerged this morning that Brad Daniels, 28, and Janice Fletcher, 27, have officially ended their relationship.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
Toyotathon Season Brings New Hope For Humanity
The beloved seasonal tradition, which offers financing incentives and cash-back deals on reliable yet thrilling models like the Camry, RAV4, and Tacoma, has brought together communities across the country. In a recent poll, 68% of respondents said they felt “significantly more hopeful about humanity” after the annual arrival of Toyotathon, with many crediting it as “the one dependable constant” in these unpredictable times.