TECH RUMORS: Mark Zuckerberg Still Refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook Page
Despite being the multi-billionaire CEO of Meta and a central figure in the development of the modern internet, sources report that Mark Zuckerberg still spends a suspicious amount of time refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook page.
Doctors Issue Stern Warning: America Can Not Continue To Run On Dunkin’
In an emergency press conference held early Tuesday morning, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a stark warning to the nation: “America cannot continue to run on Dunkin’ without catastrophic consequences.”
REPORT: Santa Can’t Handle Stress Of Early-November Decorations
In a breaking development that has sent ripples through the holiday community, sources close to Santa Claus report that the man in red is officially “completely freaking out” after spotting Christmas decorations going up mere hours after Halloween ended.
TECH RUMORS: iPhone 17 Speakers That Can Fill Any Public Space.
One extremely reliable source says that the upcoming iPhone 17 will include what company executives are calling “LifeShare™️ Sound,” a revolutionary speaker system specifically designed to turn any restaurant, airplane, or crowded bus into a private concert for everyone in a 30-foot radius.
New Trash Pile in Northern Liberties Hoping To Make Name For Itself
A scrappy new trash pile that appeared this week in the middle of North 2nd Street in Northern Liberties has big dreams for its future.
AI Chatbots Brush Up Résumés For Trump Cabinet Positions
With whispers of a potential Trump cabinet revival, leading AI chatbots are frantically brushing up their résumés, while simultaneously bracing for competition from a new, specialized AI Elon Musk reportedly designed exclusively for high-stakes political roles.
Unhooked Shower Ring Continues Mocking Family
The rogue ring, which has reportedly been “on the brink” for the past several weeks, has decided to stay disconnected from its fellow rings, flapping freely and visibly disrupting the aesthetic and functional integrity of the bathroom curtain.
LAST DITCH EFFORT: Trump Introduces “Lesser-Evil” Twin
In a jaw-dropping twist in the final days of the 2024 election, Donald J. Trump introduced the country to his identical twin brother, “Donnie” Trump, a separate and “lesser-evil” twin who promises to bring all the benefits of Trumpism — but with half the evil.
Area Man’s Vote Suppressed By Line
Declaring democracy in “pretty dire straits,” local man Jim Hensley, 34, reportedly felt his right to vote was gravely suppressed Tuesday after seeing the long line outside his local polling station and deciding it wasn’t worth the wait.
Breaking: Area Man To Look At His Phone, Just Around, While Waiting
Standing awkwardly at the corner of 5th and Main, local man Derek Hodges is reportedly being consumed by an agonizing decision over whether he should pass the time by looking at his phone or, alternatively, by aimlessly glancing around at nothing in particular.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
Gus Groundhog Sex Tape Rocks PA
Pennsylvania is reeling after a scandalous new development in the state’s already cutthroat rodent-based fame circuit. Gus the Groundhog, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania and longtime mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery, has become embroiled in controversy following the release of a shockingly explicit sex tape that critics say “could do irreversible damage” to the family-friendly brand of the beloved lottery icon.
Area Penis Just for Peeing
It gives me no pleasure to announce after 34 years, that my dick is pretty useless, now. It will only be used for peeing into the potty from a sitting down position, as I could piss on the toilet seat and make a god damn mess everywhere if I were to continue to stand.
Toyotathon Season Brings New Hope For Humanity
The beloved seasonal tradition, which offers financing incentives and cash-back deals on reliable yet thrilling models like the Camry, RAV4, and Tacoma, has brought together communities across the country. In a recent poll, 68% of respondents said they felt “significantly more hopeful about humanity” after the annual arrival of Toyotathon, with many crediting it as “the one dependable constant” in these unpredictable times.