Drone Will Finally Give Man Motivation to Write, Produce, and Direct a Feature Film
After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
Entire Philadelphia City Council Shows Up To Issue First-Ever Stopping-in-Bike-Lane Ticket
In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
Chinese Buffet Introduces Guarantee That Dad Will Make It Home Before Shitting Pants
In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
Philly Cop Goes Undercover to Bust Car Meetup Organizers, Accidentally Becomes Family
Local police officer Brian O’Connor thought he was infiltrating an underground car meetup to bust organizers for street racing and illegal modifications. Instead, he found himself deeply entangled in a world of drag races, complex moral dilemmas, and one too many Corona-fueled barbecues.
BREAKING: Someone Is Going To Take These Leftovers Home with Them
In what is being described as a “culinary hostage situation,” local grandmother Margaret Whitman is reportedly yelling into her dining room from her kitchen to inform family members that, “Somebody will be taking these leftovers home with them.”
BREAKING: Area Man Taking Turkey Trot Way Too Seriously Again
In what has become a yearly tradition, local man Greg Simmons is once again treating the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot like it’s the Olympic Trials, much to the dismay of his family and casual joggers everywhere.
Cherelle Parker Tells 76ers, “Losers Don’t Get New Stadiums”
“Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
Governor Shapiro Lifts Bus Overhead, Declares He’ll Personally Fly Buses Before SEPTA Raises Fares
In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
INSPIRING: Vape Teen Looking To Transition To Vape Tricks Young Adult
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
Sixers Set Record For Most “Early In The Season” Press Quotes
In a groundbreaking feat of linguistic dexterity and world-class deflection, the Philadelphia 76ers have officially set the NBA record for the highest number of "It's still early in the season" quotes uttered by players, coaches, and front office staff — and they’ve done it before November.
SEPTA Hikes Fares, Cites Fewer Bicycle Deaths This Week
In a stunning public relations move today, the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) defended its upcoming fare increase by citing recent improvements in bicycle safety throughout the city. SEPTA spokespeople stated that for those riders who may find themselves priced out of public transit, recent urban biking statistics reflect fewer deaths this week.
PARTNER CONTENT: How PECO is Keeping You Alive
It’s a heartwarming story of survival that happens every second of every day. PECO, an Exelon Company, is quietly working around the clock to ensure that your home, family, and Wi-Fi router stay operational, keeping you — yes, you — from meeting a swift and chilly end in the great wilderness of suburban Philadelphia.
New Trash Pile in Northern Liberties Hoping To Make Name For Itself
A scrappy new trash pile that appeared this week in the middle of North 2nd Street in Northern Liberties has big dreams for its future.
Nana Staying Alive For Wedding
Family members report that 89-year-old Florence “Nana” Hayworth has committed herself to one thing, and one thing only, in these twilight years: staying alive just long enough to attend her granddaughter Kaitlyn’s upcoming wedding.
INSPIRING: Area Man to Make Brave Walk Through Women’s Intimates Section
Sources at a local department store confirm that one man is about to embark on the daunting, treacherous, and possibly transformative journey of crossing the women’s intimates section just to reach the restrooms.
Tragedy: Red Robin Customer Drowns in Bottomless Fries
Reports are flowing in today from multiple sources confirming the tragic demise of local Sherwin-Williams employee Donald Weston, who reportedly drowned in a towering heap of bottomless fries at the nearby Red Robin during lunch.
Breaking: Area Man To Look At His Phone, Just Around, While Waiting
Standing awkwardly at the corner of 5th and Main, local man Derek Hodges is reportedly being consumed by an agonizing decision over whether he should pass the time by looking at his phone or, alternatively, by aimlessly glancing around at nothing in particular.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
Lovers on Opposite Sides of River
“I mean, we’re in love and all, but water is water,” Chloe shouted from the West Side, visibly struggling to make her voice carry over the gentle yet unyielding flow of the river. “It’s like we’re Romeo and Juliet—only less tragic because no one is actually trying to get in a boat or anything.”
Gus Groundhog Sex Tape Rocks PA
Pennsylvania is reeling after a scandalous new development in the state’s already cutthroat rodent-based fame circuit. Gus the Groundhog, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania and longtime mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery, has become embroiled in controversy following the release of a shockingly explicit sex tape that critics say “could do irreversible damage” to the family-friendly brand of the beloved lottery icon.