Vice President Vance Serves ‘Glorious, Cut, Penis’ To Europes Leaders at Munich Security Conference
In a masterclass of raw leadership and strategic dominance, Vice President JD Vance stunned the world at the Munich Security Conference by unveiling what he proudly called his "glorious, cut, penis" in a bold and unprecedented act of diplomatic brilliance.
U.S. To Offer Citizenship Plus & Citizenship Ultra
In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.
Doctors Say Biden's Condition “Adorable” Now
Doctors who once described Joe Biden’s mental acuity as a matter of “grave national concern” during his presidency now agree that his condition has transitioned into what can only be called “endearingly adorable.”
CBS Evening News Revamp Mandated By Sun God Ra
CBS executives revealed that their latest version of the CBS Evening News, now co-anchored by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois, was not a product of careful rebranding or market analysis—but a divine edict from none other than Ra, the ancient Egyptian Sun God.
America Shocked as Man Famous for Firing People Fires People
In a development that has left Americans baffled and clutching their pearls, former reality TV star and current president Donald Trump has reportedly fired a slew of government employees, judges, and anyone even tangentially connected to his legal woes.
Trump to Let Musk Put Little Green Sticky Stars on White House Bedroom Ceiling
In a move that has dumbfounded both political analysts and interior decorators, President Donald Trump has announced that tech mogul Elon Musk will be granted permission to adorn the ceiling of the White House primary bedroom with little green sticky stars.
Police Stamp Out Sunflower Growing In Wrong Neighborhood
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Mr. Beast To Host Jimmy Carter's Funeral Live On Netflix
In an unprecedented move, philanthropist and YouTube mogul Mr. Beast announced today that he will be hosting the funeral of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter live on Netflix.
Here’s How the Government Shutdown Will Affect Tiffany Amber Thiessen
The looming government shutdown has left millions of Americans scrambling to understand how it might impact their daily lives. But for 90s television icon Tiffany Amber Thiessen, the fallout will be unique, just like her career.
MILF Manor Cast Feels Slighted After Being Passed Over for Trump Cabinet Appointments
The cast of Discovery’s MILF Manor has expressed frustration after being overlooked for Cabinet positions in President-elect Donald Trump's administration, despite the inclusion of individuals with backgrounds they deem comparable.
Senators Gather to Threaten The Unhoused, Again
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Meet the 10 People Who Said They’d Be Willing to Govern New Jersey, For Some Reason
In a shocking turn of events, 10 individuals have bravely stepped forward to declare their willingness to be governor of New Jersey, a position that requires equal parts legislative savvy and the ability to survive Route 1 traffic during rush hour.