As Thanksgiving approaches, aunts across the nation are reportedly gearing up to make a casual yet deeply problematic comment at family dinner tables, sources confirmed Monday.

“If you miss this Black Friday, you may as well crawl into a cave and live off moss, you piss-covered failure,” said corporate spokesperson Janet Wiles, who confirmed that absolutely everything—yes, even that—is on sale for a price so low it could make you froth milk with your jittery little hands.

In a display of collective discomfort, the United States has announced that it’s “just not ready” to have a conversation about why it keeps voting for a man whose platform seems to hinge on a profound disdain for gay people.

In a cultural shift that no one asked for, a growing faction of self-proclaimed INCELs (involuntary celibates) has adopted Kelly Clarkson’s 2009 pop hit "I Do Not Hook Up" as their unofficial anthem of defiant celibacy.

In an unexpected announcement, the Trump campaign revealed today that Tobin and Squee, high school friends of Brett Kavanaugh and champions of aggressive beach week diplomacy, have been tapped for key roles in the proposed second Trump administration.

In a moment that’s somehow being called both historic and deeply confusing, Jake Paul’s recent victory over boxing legend Mike Tyson has sparked an unprecedented run on ‘W’, the influencer-turned-prizefighter’s line of men’s hygiene products. Men over 40, who previously spent their weekends debating the merits of Traeger grills, are now in an all-out frenzy to smell like a winner.

Millennials, a generation known for meticulously orchestrated "work-from-bed" setups and in-office Mario Kart tournaments, have begun rallying against what they are calling a “devastating erosion” of remote work freedoms.

A recent study released Thursday by researchers at the American government confirmed that, in times of crisis, one of the most scientifically effective responses is to put ‘Pink Pony Club’ by Chappell Roan on repeat and just hold on for dear life.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, the United States Constitution awoke in its usual place in the National Archives, only to find itself surrounded by the entire Supreme Court, each Justice clutching an ominously red-stained pen.

With less than 5 hours left to vote in some parts of the US, activewear competitor Fabletics finds itself at the center of mounting national tension as Americans wait for what many are calling “the most anticipated brand endorsement of the century.”

In an unprecedented turn of events, local man Gary Millard, who had been painstakingly mulling over his choice in the upcoming election, found his decision crystallize in an instant Monday morning as he drove past a “Tom Watts for Mayor” yard sign strategically placed next to an impressive display of petunias.