Atmospheric River and Cyclone Combine In What Some Are Calling “Normal weather”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.
BREAKING: David Spade Eats Seventh Salad of Life
Pausing briefly to reflect on the tangy vinaigrette and scattered croutons before him, actor and comedian David Spade triumphantly announced Tuesday that he had completed his seventh salad in his nearly 60-year existence.
INSPIRING: Vape Teen Looking To Transition To Vape Tricks Young Adult
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
TECH RUMORS: Mark Zuckerberg Still Refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook Page
Despite being the multi-billionaire CEO of Meta and a central figure in the development of the modern internet, sources report that Mark Zuckerberg still spends a suspicious amount of time refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook page.
Enlightenment: Monk Takes Staff Right to the Nads
Visitors to the Temple of Transcendence were left awestruck Monday after witnessing a feat of spiritual mastery unmatched in the modern age: Zen monk Ryota Takahashi achieved what many are calling the pinnacle of enlightenment by remaining completely serene while taking a full-force staff strike to the nads.
Doctors Issue Stern Warning: America Can Not Continue To Run On Dunkin’
In an emergency press conference held early Tuesday morning, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a stark warning to the nation: “America cannot continue to run on Dunkin’ without catastrophic consequences.”
Experts Say 4% Chance Mike Tyson & Jake Paul Will Kiss
A group of highly respected statisticians announced Friday that there is a 4% chance that YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul and legendary heavyweight champion Mike Tyson will accidentally kiss during their upcoming exhibition match.
Tobin & Squee Prepare for Role in New Trump Administration
In an unexpected announcement, the Trump campaign revealed today that Tobin and Squee, high school friends of Brett Kavanaugh and champions of aggressive beach week diplomacy, have been tapped for key roles in the proposed second Trump administration.
Men Over 40 Going Bananas For Jake Paul’s “W”
In a moment that’s somehow being called both historic and deeply confusing, Jake Paul’s recent victory over boxing legend Mike Tyson has sparked an unprecedented run on ‘W’, the influencer-turned-prizefighter’s line of men’s hygiene products. Men over 40, who previously spent their weekends debating the merits of Traeger grills, are now in an all-out frenzy to smell like a winner.
Millennial Workers Being Told to Return to The Office, Ask If They’ll Still Get Paid to Play Video Games.
Millennials, a generation known for meticulously orchestrated "work-from-bed" setups and in-office Mario Kart tournaments, have begun rallying against what they are calling a “devastating erosion” of remote work freedoms.
Lea Michele Ready To Read Sentence In Public
The statement came during a surprise press conference, which saw a visibly confident Michele standing beside a single, laminated index card with an ominous, unopened book resting beside it.
Sixers Set Record For Most “Early In The Season” Press Quotes
In a groundbreaking feat of linguistic dexterity and world-class deflection, the Philadelphia 76ers have officially set the NBA record for the highest number of "It's still early in the season" quotes uttered by players, coaches, and front office staff — and they’ve done it before November.
SEPTA Hikes Fares, Cites Fewer Bicycle Deaths This Week
In a stunning public relations move today, the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) defended its upcoming fare increase by citing recent improvements in bicycle safety throughout the city. SEPTA spokespeople stated that for those riders who may find themselves priced out of public transit, recent urban biking statistics reflect fewer deaths this week.
REPORT: Santa Can’t Handle Stress Of Early-November Decorations
In a breaking development that has sent ripples through the holiday community, sources close to Santa Claus report that the man in red is officially “completely freaking out” after spotting Christmas decorations going up mere hours after Halloween ended.
TECH RUMORS: iPhone 17 Speakers That Can Fill Any Public Space.
One extremely reliable source says that the upcoming iPhone 17 will include what company executives are calling “LifeShare™️ Sound,” a revolutionary speaker system specifically designed to turn any restaurant, airplane, or crowded bus into a private concert for everyone in a 30-foot radius.
PARTNER CONTENT: How PECO is Keeping You Alive
It’s a heartwarming story of survival that happens every second of every day. PECO, an Exelon Company, is quietly working around the clock to ensure that your home, family, and Wi-Fi router stay operational, keeping you — yes, you — from meeting a swift and chilly end in the great wilderness of suburban Philadelphia.
New Trash Pile in Northern Liberties Hoping To Make Name For Itself
A scrappy new trash pile that appeared this week in the middle of North 2nd Street in Northern Liberties has big dreams for its future.
Nana Staying Alive For Wedding
Family members report that 89-year-old Florence “Nana” Hayworth has committed herself to one thing, and one thing only, in these twilight years: staying alive just long enough to attend her granddaughter Kaitlyn’s upcoming wedding.
NEW STUDY: Keep Blasting Pink Pony Club & It Will All Be OK
A recent study released Thursday by researchers at the American government confirmed that, in times of crisis, one of the most scientifically effective responses is to put ‘Pink Pony Club’ by Chappell Roan on repeat and just hold on for dear life.
AI Chatbots Brush Up Résumés For Trump Cabinet Positions
With whispers of a potential Trump cabinet revival, leading AI chatbots are frantically brushing up their résumés, while simultaneously bracing for competition from a new, specialized AI Elon Musk reportedly designed exclusively for high-stakes political roles.