NewsTime News

It Is Time For News.
Move over, Crate & Barrel — Martha Stewart has officially entered the adult toy market, and let me tell you, she’s not messing around.
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis.
The Latest
NEWS MERCH
Make sure everyone knows you read the news!
SPORTS NEWS
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.
As the Philadelphia Eagles prepare for Super Bowl LIX, kicker Jake Elliott has achieved the dubious distinction of being statistically the worst kicker to ever grace the game's grandest stage. Let's delve into the numbers that highlight this unprecedented level of ineptitude.
The air is thick with anticipation as the biggest boys in the land prepare for the biggest game of the year. Yes, it’s that time again—when big men in tight pants collide with each other at full speed while America collectively consumes cheese. The Super Bowl, known officially as “The Most Important Day in America (Other Than Black Friday),” is set to feature the two largest groups of large men who have trained their entire lives to move the ball. The stakes? Immortality, corporate sponsorships, and at least 30 minutes of ads that remind us about cars.
In a world where nachos flow freely, and the halftime show gets debated for weeks, nothing stirs the soul—or the tear ducts—quite like an emotionally manipulative Super Bowl commercial. If you’ve ever found yourself at a Super Bowl party, nacho in hand, facing a friend who just returned from the bathroom with red, watery eyes, here’s a step-by-step guide to navigate this emotionally charged moment.
The NFL announced today that this year’s Super Bowl National Anthem will be performed by none other than the enigmatic and legendary, wickedly talented, Adele Dazeem, famously introduced to the world by John Travolta during the 2014 Academy Awards.
In an unprecedented display of gubernatorial support, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro was spotted hovering over the Philadelphia Eagles’ practice field in a helicopter this Monday. According to sources close to the situation, the governor is not merely cheering from above but actively collaborating with head coach Nick Sirianni to ensure the Eagles secure their Super Bowl win next Sunday.
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
Every Philadelphia Eagles home game begins the same way: a piercing scream, a rush of wind, and the majestic sight of Lincoln, the stadium’s resident bald eagle, soaring across the sky. But beyond the theatrics, who is Lincoln? What drives the most famous avian icon in football?
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
In a groundbreaking off-field achievement, Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquon Barkley has been officially recognized as the NFL's all-time Best Babysitter. This honor comes after Barkley seamlessly balanced his rigorous training schedule with a weekend of babysitting duties for head coach Nick Sirianni's three energetic children.
In what experts are hailing as a groundbreaking feat of endurance, local man Kyle Ferguson shattered previous records by falling asleep just nine minutes into Thursday’s Thanksgiving NFL matchup.
In what has become a yearly tradition, local man Greg Simmons is once again treating the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot like it’s the Olympic Trials, much to the dismay of his family and casual joggers everywhere.
“Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
A group of highly respected statisticians announced Friday that there is a 4% chance that YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul and legendary heavyweight champion Mike Tyson will accidentally kiss during their upcoming exhibition match.
In a groundbreaking feat of linguistic dexterity and world-class deflection, the Philadelphia 76ers have officially set the NBA record for the highest number of "It's still early in the season" quotes uttered by players, coaches, and front office staff — and they’ve done it before November.
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
QUIZ NEWS
Ronald is very choosy with his dates. He won't even say yes to coffee unless you totally reek of candles. Find out if you smell enough like burning wax to land a dinner with Americas favorite food clown.
Do you have what it takes to take on the role of lover for a stressed out woman AND father figure for a troubled boy?
News About you
MOVIE REVIEW NEWS
Julius Onah’s Captain America: Brave New World is a well-made, polished, thoroughly competent superhero film. It looks great, it sounds great, and it does everything a Marvel movie is supposed to do. Anthony Mackie is a charismatic and capable lead, I guess. He steps into the Captain America mantle with grace and gravitas, not that that’s what we really want from that character, but he does do that. The film makes a commendable effort to tackle real-world issues—power, responsibility, national identity—and wraps them up in the usual spectacle of high-flying action sequences and dramatic monologues. It’s all there, right in front of me, unfolding in perfect, calculated rhythm. And yet, the only thought running through my head as I watched was: Man, I don’t know if I have the capacity to give a shit about this anymore.
DreamWorks’ Dog Man is a lively, inventive, and undeniably fun adaptation of Dav Pilkey’s beloved graphic novels. The animation bursts with exaggerated movement, the humor is gleefully silly, and the story captures the wonderfully absurd spirit of the books. Kids will love its slapstick energy, parents will appreciate its occasional winks of self-awareness, and even longtime fans of Pilkey’s work will likely walk away satisfied. However, what they may not realize—at least not immediately—is that beneath all the charming absurdity, this film is working overtime to make children love the police. And that, to me, is far more terrifying than any supervillain kitty could ever assemble…
The Last Showgirl, directed by Gia Coppola, is a shimmering, poignant exploration of ambition, identity, and the inevitability of time’s cruel march forward. Anchored by a show-stopping performance from Pamela Anderson as Shelly Gardner, a legendary Las Vegas revue dancer facing the end of her glittering career, the film pulls back the curtain on the glitzy world of Sin City.
Robert Eggers’ Nosferatu is a masterwork of gothic horror that channels the spirit of Murnau’s silent classic while carving its own harrowing path through the shadows of the genre. Every frame drips with atmospheric dread, and Willem Dafoe’s unholy presence as Count Orlok is nothing short of mesmerizing…
In A Complete Unknown, director James Mangold crafts a rich and evocative portrait of Bob Dylan, capturing the mystery and brilliance of one of music’s most iconic figures. Timothée Chalamet’s performance is transformative, embodying Dylan’s charisma, aloofness, and genius in a way that feels both authentic and revelatory.
Sony’s Kraven the Hunter takes a bold step into the morally ambiguous territory of antiheroes, crafting an origin story for one of Spider-Man’s most formidable foes. Directed with unrelenting grit by J.C. Chandor, the film is a cinematic safari through vengeance, environmentalism, and familial betrayal
Justin Kurzel’s The Order is a harrowing exploration of the rise of extremism, centering on the real-life story of The Order, a white supremacist terrorist group that operated in 1980s America.
Disney’s Moana 2 is a stunning sequel, filled with dazzling visuals, catchy songs, and a heartfelt story about leadership, family, and finding your place in an ever-changing world. Auli’i Cravalho is as brilliant as ever in the role of Moana, capturing her maturity and resolve with grace and strength.
Ridley Scott’s Gladiator 2 is an undeniably well-crafted sequel to his 2000 masterpiece. With stunning cinematography, brutal battle sequences, and a thoughtful narrative exploring legacy and revenge, the film delivers on its promise of grandeur.
There is no denying the sheer ambition of Wicked (2024), Jon M. Chu’s cinematic adaptation of the beloved Broadway musical.
The plot is thinner than Zak Gibbs’ grasp on basic ethics, the special effects look like they were done on an overclocked Windows 98, and the characters make decisions so nonsensical you’d think they were all stuck in a time loop of bad choices. But despite all that—perhaps because of all that—Clockstoppers changed my life in ways no one could have predicted.
Ah, MAXXXINE—the latest neon-splattered, blood-drenched fever dream from Ti West, set in the seedy, slicked-back Los Angeles of the 1980s. It’s a film bursting with gritty VHS nostalgia, but alas, I was forced to endure it in soulless, high-definition perfection of a god-damn movie theater.
The attention to detail is stunning, the acting superb, and the scenes are packed with a ferocious, mesmerizing energy. There’s just one minor side effect: I haven’t had an erection since seeing it in theaters in December 2022.
But for a movie with “Last Dance” in the title, the actual “dance” is a 30-second afterthought so bewilderingly sad it makes you wonder if the writers just slapped the title on there as a prank.
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.