World Falls To Despair As Toytotathon Ends
In a development that experts are calling "the end of joy as we know it," humanity has descended into a collective state of existential despair following the conclusion of the annual Toytotathon event.
Our Smart Home Experts Reveal Top 5 Devices To Piss Off Your Wife
Smart home devices are designed to simplify life and make everything a bit more convenient. But our tech team at NewsTime News knows that a lot of the time smart devices are a great way to gain control over systems in the house, and lock out any users that aren’t tech savvy or even just anyone that didn’t directly set up the device themselves.
Here’s Some Freaky Made Up Space Disaster To Think About
We here at NewsTime News feel it’s our journalistic duty to keep you informed, terrified, and maybe just a little bit paralyzed by existential dread. And since it’s been a whole week since we reminded you that the universe is an unfathomable expanse of chaos that wants to kill you, here’s a fresh helping of cosmic catastrophe to ruin your day: rogue planets.
God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.
Apple Announces Groundbreaking New Rounded Edge Pro & Rounded Edge Ultra
In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts and casual consumers alike breathless, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s most ambitious product update yet: a slightly rounder edge. The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through the tech world, with fans hailing it as "the most revolutionary corner ever."
First Camel Cash Billionaire Emerges as Investors Flock to “Less Destructive” Alternative to Bitcoin
Doug Timmons of Topeka, Kansas, has become the world’s first Camel Cash billionaire. Timmons’ rise comes as investors worldwide are abandoning cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum in favor of something they perceive as more stable and less destructive: Camel Cash, the forgotten cigarette-pack currency of the 1990s.
Philly To Leave 72 Vacated Rite-Aids Empty In Case Eagles Have Anything To Do With Super Bowl
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
Mr. Beast To Host Jimmy Carter's Funeral Live On Netflix
In an unprecedented move, philanthropist and YouTube mogul Mr. Beast announced today that he will be hosting the funeral of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter live on Netflix.
2025 DESIGN TREND: Make Your Powder Room Fucking Nutso
In an age where minimalist aesthetics and calming neutrals have dominated the interior design world, a new trend is emerging to blow the doors off your beige sanctuary: making your powder room fucking nuts.
Selfish Couple Tries To Steal Santa's Thunder By Getting Engaged On Christmas Morning
In a move that has left Santa Claus a little miffed, a couple from St. Louis, Missouri, decided that the most opportune moment to have their engagement would be Christmas morning, directly competing for the spotlight with the jolly man in red.
8 Sweaters Your Tween Son Will Put In His Mouth
Parenting a tween boy is a wild ride. One day, they’re obsessively collecting Pokémon cards, and the next, they’re aggressively shoving a turtleneck into their gaping maw like it’s a competitive eating contest. But don’t worry—we’ve got you covered! Here are eight sweaters perfect for your tween son’s inexplicable need to chew on fabric.
Study Finds Average SEPTA Rider Inhales One Whole Rat Every Year
A groundbreaking study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania has confirmed that the average rider on the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) unwittingly inhales one entire rat annually while commuting.
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK: Do Guns Make It Easier To Shoot Things?
A contentious debate is raging across the nation: are guns actually responsible for the startling rise in things and people being shot, or are things simply becoming easier to shoot on their own?
BREAKING: All Water Officially Has At Least A Little Plastic In It
In a stunning announcement today, the Global Water Quality Consortium confirmed a total fuckin’ nightmare: every single drop of water on Earth now contains at least a smidge of plastic, ranging from a few microfibers to what experts are calling "a concerning chunk."
Area Family Only Has A Few Holidays Left With Uncle’s Hair
Acknowledging the somber reality that the good times were quickly running out, the Redding family reportedly planing to spend this year’s holiday gathering cherishing the few strands of hair still clinging to the head of their beloved Uncle, Jeremy.
Senators Gather to Threaten The Unhoused, Again
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Even Alien UFO’s Are Leaving Jersey For The Main Line
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Abandoned Kool-Aid Jammer Burdened with Immortality
Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.