BREAKING: Someone Is Going To Take These Leftovers Home with Them
In what is being described as a “culinary hostage situation,” local grandmother Margaret Whitman is reportedly yelling into her dining room from her kitchen to inform family members that, “Somebody will be taking these leftovers home with them.”
NFL RECORD: Man Falls Asleep Nine Minutes Into Thanksgiving Day Game
In what experts are hailing as a groundbreaking feat of endurance, local man Kyle Ferguson shattered previous records by falling asleep just nine minutes into Thursday’s Thanksgiving NFL matchup.
BREAKING: Area Man Taking Turkey Trot Way Too Seriously Again
In what has become a yearly tradition, local man Greg Simmons is once again treating the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot like it’s the Olympic Trials, much to the dismay of his family and casual joggers everywhere.
Aunts Nationwide Preparing to Drop Slur at Thanksgiving Table
As Thanksgiving approaches, aunts across the nation are reportedly gearing up to make a casual yet deeply problematic comment at family dinner tables, sources confirmed Monday.
Archaeologists Uncover Child Skeleton Still Gripping a Fucking Bop-It
Archaeologists have unearthed the 4,000-year-old remains of a child clutching what appears to be a fully intact Bop-It, sparking debates among historians, toy enthusiasts, and people who love to “twist it.”
Scholars Confounded by Actual CNN Headline Claiming Moviegoers Are Feeling ‘Glicked’
While experts quickly identified “glicked” as a hybrid of Gladiator 2 and Wicked—two of November’s most anticipated films—none could explain how the word came to signify an emotion, let alone an expression of excitement.
How to Apologize for the Patriarchy Whenever You Greet Someone
Hey there, human-shaped reminder of systemic inequality! Before you even think about saying “hi” to someone, remember: every interaction is an opportunity to grovel for centuries of oppressive power structures. Sure, you didn’t personally build the patriarchy, but you benefit from it, don’t you, Brad?
Don’t Miss These Fucking Huge Black Friday Deals on the Most Important Black Friday Ever.
“If you miss this Black Friday, you may as well crawl into a cave and live off moss, you piss-covered failure,” said corporate spokesperson Janet Wiles, who confirmed that absolutely everything—yes, even that—is on sale for a price so low it could make you froth milk with your jittery little hands.
Cherelle Parker Tells 76ers, “Losers Don’t Get New Stadiums”
“Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
Governor Shapiro Lifts Bus Overhead, Declares He’ll Personally Fly Buses Before SEPTA Raises Fares
In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
NASA Moon Mission on Hold After Astronauts Say They Can "Barely Stream One Video" on Moon Wi-Fi
NASA announced recently that its Artemis III moon mission has been indefinitely postponed after astronauts reported that the lunar Wi-Fi was incapable of sustaining a single uninterrupted TikTok livestream, let alone their planned Netflix binge of The Crown.
U.S. Really Just Doesn’t Want to Talk About Why It Keeps Voting for a Man Who Hates Gay People Right Now
In a display of collective discomfort, the United States has announced that it’s “just not ready” to have a conversation about why it keeps voting for a man whose platform seems to hinge on a profound disdain for gay people.
Ghosts All Pissed That AI Now Shows People What They’ll Look Like When Old
In an unexpected twist of existential irony, spirits from beyond the grave are voicing their discontent with the proliferation of AI-powered aging apps, claiming the technology is undermining one of their favorite tricks: spooking mortals with unsettling glimpses of their inevitable future.
INCELs Reclaim Kelly Clarkson’s “I Do Not Hook Up” As Celibacy Anthem
In a cultural shift that no one asked for, a growing faction of self-proclaimed INCELs (involuntary celibates) has adopted Kelly Clarkson’s 2009 pop hit "I Do Not Hook Up" as their unofficial anthem of defiant celibacy.
Dr. Oz Says, “Free Medicare For All— Who Will Let Me Poke Their Freaky Bodies On TV
In a move described by critics as “incredibly on-brand,” newly appointed Head of Medicare Dr. Mehmet Oz has unveiled his revolutionary plan to provide free healthcare to all Americans—so long as they agree to appear on his talk show and endure a public analysis of their “deeply concerning lifestyle choices and shockingly poor posture.”
Atmospheric River and Cyclone Combine In What Some Are Calling “Normal weather”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.
BREAKING: David Spade Eats Seventh Salad of Life
Pausing briefly to reflect on the tangy vinaigrette and scattered croutons before him, actor and comedian David Spade triumphantly announced Tuesday that he had completed his seventh salad in his nearly 60-year existence.
INSPIRING: Vape Teen Looking To Transition To Vape Tricks Young Adult
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
TECH RUMORS: Mark Zuckerberg Still Refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook Page
Despite being the multi-billionaire CEO of Meta and a central figure in the development of the modern internet, sources report that Mark Zuckerberg still spends a suspicious amount of time refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook page.
Enlightenment: Monk Takes Staff Right to the Nads
Visitors to the Temple of Transcendence were left awestruck Monday after witnessing a feat of spiritual mastery unmatched in the modern age: Zen monk Ryota Takahashi achieved what many are calling the pinnacle of enlightenment by remaining completely serene while taking a full-force staff strike to the nads.