In what sleep experts are hailing as a “groundbreaking but emotionally devastating routine adjustment,” local man Kyle Denton reports getting significantly better sleep since moving his nightly existential wrestling match with personal shame to 9:30 p.m., a full 30 minutes earlier than usual.

A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.

After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis.

16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.

Why do we call them “a pair of underwear” when it’s just one garment? I don’t have an answer to that, but I can give you a few suggestions of what underwear to wear!

It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.

It is no exaggeration to say that we are currently witnessing an unprecedented era of prosperity and cultural renaissance in Ben’s parent’s backyard.

This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids.

In a revelation that has shocked Millbrook, local resident Michael Sanders, 28, has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.

In a stunning victory for America’s values, Vice President JD Vance has accomplished something that the radical left and their allies in the fake news media said was impossible: he has gone an entire week without soiling himself. Yes, you read that correctly.

FanDuel has announced the launch of a new educational initiative titled "Bet Smarter, Not Harder." The free seminar promises to teach attendees the dangers of gambling addiction and the importance of setting limits — while simultaneously handing out $250 in free betting credits to everyone who shows up.

In what experts are calling a tragic case of "involuntary idea evaporation," local man Carl Henderson is reeling after losing what he insists was "the most brilliant idea of his life" — an idea so profound it could have possibly united a divided nation.

In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.

Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.

America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."

A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.

A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.

Reports from inside the Johnson household indicate that something “probably bad” may have happened to local dad, Jeff Johnson, 47, although details remain unclear as no one has bothered to check on him yet. Sources close to the scene—primarily his wife and two teenage children—confirmed that they “think” they heard a noise from the garage roughly an hour ago, followed by a faint "Ughh... oh no," but since the WiFi is still working and dinner isn't ready yet, there has been no immediate cause for concern.