INSPIRING: Area Man to Make Brave Walk Through Women’s Intimates Section
Sources at a local department store confirm that one man is about to embark on the daunting, treacherous, and possibly transformative journey of crossing the women’s intimates section just to reach the restrooms.
Activists Hold Save T.G.I. Friday’s Protest, Amid Bankruptcy
The friend group, who prefers the impersonal, mildly seasoned safety of TGI Fridays over local establishments, gathered at their favorite suburban location to "drink, eat, and repeat until it all just feels like the Fridays they know and love."
LAST DITCH EFFORT: Trump Introduces “Lesser-Evil” Twin
In a jaw-dropping twist in the final days of the 2024 election, Donald J. Trump introduced the country to his identical twin brother, “Donnie” Trump, a separate and “lesser-evil” twin who promises to bring all the benefits of Trumpism — but with half the evil.
Study Finds Wiping Penis After Pee, Normal, Cool
In a revelation shaking the very foundation of male bathroom routines, a new study from the Cambridge Institute for Modern Hygiene has found that wiping your penis after peeing is not only normal—it’s actually “totally rad.”
BREAKING: Couple Passed Up Margaritas
Word quickly spread across the resort, sparking fierce debate about whether the Dawsons are “Annual Retreat material.”
QUESTION: Are Your Kids Slurpin’ Ass?
As a local news reporter, I need to tell parents of America about anything that may scare them, so that’s exactly what I did.
Tragedy: Red Robin Customer Drowns in Bottomless Fries
Reports are flowing in today from multiple sources confirming the tragic demise of local Sherwin-Williams employee Donald Weston, who reportedly drowned in a towering heap of bottomless fries at the nearby Red Robin during lunch.
Area Man’s Vote Suppressed By Line
Declaring democracy in “pretty dire straits,” local man Jim Hensley, 34, reportedly felt his right to vote was gravely suppressed Tuesday after seeing the long line outside his local polling station and deciding it wasn’t worth the wait.
REPORT: Brad And Janice Just Broke Up
In a shocking turn of events that has left an indelible mark on the small town and, quite possibly, the world, reports emerged this morning that Brad Daniels, 28, and Janice Fletcher, 27, have officially ended their relationship.
Breaking: Area Man To Look At His Phone, Just Around, While Waiting
Standing awkwardly at the corner of 5th and Main, local man Derek Hodges is reportedly being consumed by an agonizing decision over whether he should pass the time by looking at his phone or, alternatively, by aimlessly glancing around at nothing in particular.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.
Lovers on Opposite Sides of River
“I mean, we’re in love and all, but water is water,” Chloe shouted from the West Side, visibly struggling to make her voice carry over the gentle yet unyielding flow of the river. “It’s like we’re Romeo and Juliet—only less tragic because no one is actually trying to get in a boat or anything.”
Gus Groundhog Sex Tape Rocks PA
Pennsylvania is reeling after a scandalous new development in the state’s already cutthroat rodent-based fame circuit. Gus the Groundhog, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania and longtime mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery, has become embroiled in controversy following the release of a shockingly explicit sex tape that critics say “could do irreversible damage” to the family-friendly brand of the beloved lottery icon.
Area Man Needs to Know He’s a Zaddy, NOW
“He’s rocking this beard now, and I just don’t think he’s aware of how zaddy-ish he is,” Walton said, showing a photo of Derrick to anyone within a 12-foot radius.
Area Penis Just for Peeing
It gives me no pleasure to announce after 34 years, that my dick is pretty useless, now. It will only be used for peeing into the potty from a sitting down position, as I could piss on the toilet seat and make a god damn mess everywhere if I were to continue to stand.
Toyotathon Season Brings New Hope For Humanity
The beloved seasonal tradition, which offers financing incentives and cash-back deals on reliable yet thrilling models like the Camry, RAV4, and Tacoma, has brought together communities across the country. In a recent poll, 68% of respondents said they felt “significantly more hopeful about humanity” after the annual arrival of Toyotathon, with many crediting it as “the one dependable constant” in these unpredictable times.